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butthole
Redditor "Kwiet-Kira" shared his breaking story right after it happened in the TIFU (Today I F*cked Up) subreddit.
His epic anecdote involved his new lady friend, a sharp nail, and his butthole.
Trust me, it will all make sense.
The title for his post, read:
"TIFU by getting caught by my date (25F) checking out my (30M) butthole in the mirror. Yes, you read that right."
At the risk of being anal, let's make sure you did "read that right."
The original poster (OP) referred to his date as a 25-year-old female and himself as a 30-year-old male.
Contrary to what readers initially thought, the OP does not have a 30-meter butthole.
Are you ready? The OP promised the "ride" would be worth the wait.
"So a little backstory: I used to work in Commercial Property development and it was a cushy job until my company broke OSHA regulations (3 months ago) and I bounced before we got destroyed with suits."
"I now work as a Dog Groomer while going back to school for degree #2. This is pertinent info to a very ridiculous story."
"Onwards to the craziness!"
"My ex of 6 months and I split up recently on mutual grounds that we weren't compatible. On top of a full time job, school, getting back in shape I have been stressed and very forgetful. I hardly get out of the house except to exercise."
"A few nights a week after work I stop at a local bar and have one or two before heading home to binge watch 'Lost In Space' (huge sci-fi nerd here)."
"Anyhow, there is a certain bartender there by the name of (Let's just say) Erin who happens to be at the bar I frequent on the days I stop by. After a few weeks of chatting we realize we have a lot in common and decide to swap numbers."
"NOW...."
"Any dog groomer will tell you that knicks [sp], cuts, scratches, and other things come with the territory. After all, not all dogs like being messed with. I had a stubborn Standard Poodle who kept kicking her leg as I tried to file her nails with an electric grinder."
"At one point when she kicked I filed my own fingernail into a sharp little point. It hurt a bit as I also Harvey Dent'd my finger skin. 'oh well sh*t happens' I shrugged it off and a few hours later I was off work and my mind was elsewhere."
"I get off work and Erin shoots me a text saying how she was also leaving work early and didn't want to go back home for awhile seeing as her roommate had her boyfriend over and things get...weird, if ya get my drift."
"I oblige and ask her if she would, for once, like to have somebody serve her drinks. She also obliges with a 'f*ck yes, dude.'"
"I change my spare clothes in the back of my car (always carry spares... Dog hair itches and dog piss reeks) and head out to meet her at a bar near my place."
"The night is good. We laugh, joke, and karaoke a very poor rendition of Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody that ends up getting the whole entire bar into a synchronized opera house of people headbanging at the guitar solo. The night was f*cking PERFECT."
"Fast Forward 3 hours"
"We are leaving the bar early absolutely beaming with enjoyment as we both truly needed a small get away from the daily grind that is life. I'm walking her to her car bragging about my pop-star level of singing skills that more sounds like two cats howling at each other in an alley way."
"As I prepare for a hug and a thank you, she kisses my cheek and replies that I should be the one receiving a thank you from saving her hearing her roommate shag in the living room."
"For a minute she stands there a bit awkwardly looking as if she's expecting something. Before I can catch on she says: Well... I'm sure they're still at it... Maybe I could come over, clean up, and we could watch Lost In Space?'"
"woah.. Am I dreaming? Did SHE just initiate that"
"I fumble for words and manage a 'oh yea sure I'd love that' in an awkward voice. She says she is going to stop by a local store and grab some body wash and shampoo since she didn't get a chance to go home after work. I gave her my address and told her I'd leave the front door open."
We've arrived at the good bits. Get ready.
"Here comes the fun part, ladies and gentleman!!"
"I quickly speed home to clean the house up a bit and prepare the Master Bathroom for a female's presence. While doing so I turn on some music and attempt to fit in a quick shower myself, and that's when it hit me... I REALLY had to sh*t and it was best to do so before she shows up."
What could possibly go wrong? Apparently, everything.
"Now, remember how I said I have been stressed and forgetful? Here's how that comes into play. As I'm starting to wipe, I forget I never corrected my nail that was filed into a prison shank..."
"slice"
"I immediately howl in pain. I see a bit of blood on the TP and start freaking out thinking I'd sliced my starfish into pieces. My mind went to 'Resident Evil 'movie with Mila Jovovich as she dodges the laser filled hallway that shred people to pieces."
"Unable to see, I run to get a chair from the kitchen and drag it back to my bathroom. I prop myself up on it, bend over, and start searching for the laceration."
This is when he hit bottom.
"Unbeknownst to me Erin had shown up earlier than I thought. Now, I can't hear the front door from the back of my house especially with the music blaring... So I couldn't hear her as she moved through the hallways."
"sigh - this is where I lost my dignity..."
"There I am bent over, completely naked, standing on a chair, finger combing my balloon knot for pain, staring into a mirror looking for the cut when she walks in and loudly says what the f*ck?'"
"My heart stops in horror as I look up to meet her gaze"
"My life is over...she thinks I'm some freak. That I play with my butthole in the mirror... Oh god. Kill me now. Somebody! Please!"
Fortunately, for him, Erin did not turn the other cheek.
"I then get THE craziest response to a weird situation... She bursts out laughing herself into a fit of almost choking. Im so embarrassed I'm fumbling my words, fall off the chair and quickly scramble for my towel trying to explain exactly what the hell was going on."
"I'm so embarrassed I just start getting dressed as she is now on her hands and knees holding her stomach as tears pour down her face."
"After a good 7 or 8 minute she composes herself and I explain what happened. She is still having small bursts of giggles but ends up giving me a hug and explaining it was the funniest thing she had seen in years and didn't think any differently of me."
"I then cut my nails, cleaned up the bathroom and let her shower. We are now cuddling on my couch as she watches me write this still giggling and telling me I should change my reddit username to 'he who fingers a$.'"
As far as users were concerned, there was no f*ck up here.
"She's a keeper!! Hold onto her!" – Active-Hair
"I fail to see the FU here. Seems you have already tested the limit of this potential relationship and it's all good." – Bozwell99
"I agree with the others. If she saw you like that and didn't run, she's the one. Embarrassment is a small price to pay for the one." – Goblin_King_Jareth1
"Marry her, because if you don't I will. She's a keeper bro." – nosySteve
"This sounds like a woman you could safely ask to inspect, sanitize and perform first aid on your butthole, with a promise of more fun times once healed." – old_skul
"My husband once called me into the bathroom. I walked in on him bent over spreading his cheeks apart, "facing" me. It was my job to apply cortisone cream to a little sensitive spot he had next to the hole. Life is beautiful." – vanvarmar
The OP had some good news with the following update:
"Oh and for all y'all who messaged saying she's a keeper, you'll be glad to know we both have decided to start dating and to really get to know each other first and build a strong bond."
These are the things that keep couples together, forever.
"Calling it now. Y'all will probably be together for a while. If not forever. I just recently married, the night we met was our first date."
"I held her hair in the Uber as she chunked undigested hooch out the window. She sobered up and walked in on me popping an ingrown hair on my no no square." – Jslate95
People were still confused by the OP's title.
"I read this as 30 meter butthole." – pinball-amoeba
"Going from just the title... your THIRTY METER butthole?!?!" – CapnBeardbeard
"For some reason I read the (30M) butthole as '30mm butthole'." – FortressOnAHill
Redditors are known to leave witty comments, but sometimes they are a purveyor of helpful tips and didn't disappoint here.
"As someone who has also had an a$hole laceration, I come to you with a warning and advice from experience."
"Sh***ing is gonna suck. That thing probably won't heal for a good month or two, and sh***ing is gonna suck the entire time. However, don't be like me and hold your poop in as long as possible trying to delay the pain of sh***ing."
"When you hold your poop in, your body continues to absorb moisture from it while it waits in line at the colon office. This makes it dry. And hard. This makes it so much worse. Just get it over with asap and hope for minimal tearing." – Squidbit
"Don't take laxatives, take a stool softener (I recommend DulcoEase or anything with docusate sodium if you can get it) and eat soft fibre (from fruit or something like fybogel with Ispaghula Husk)."
"I might have suffered from some issues in the area myself..." – Ethancordn
The OP should be mindful of one more thing.
"Just make sure you cut your nails first so you don't cut her." – Furyian13
He also identified the actual "f*ck up" after readers saw that he scored the perfect companion.
"I do realize it's not completely a 'f*ck up' cause Erin is awesome, but the f*ck up comes from the fact that taking a sh*t is going to hurt... And from what I've read your butthole takes long to heal so this will be a painful experience for a few weeks."
"Glad y'all found it funny!!"
Indeed, we are laughing our butts off.
And we hope his heals nicely.