At a certain point in your relationship, you shouldn't have any big surprises.
By the time you're discussing marriage, you should probably know your future spouse's finances, important parts of their medical history and, most importantly, necessary information about their family.
Over on the subReddit for relationship advice, called r/relationship_advice, u/FarReference3 asked about what she should do. Her husband to be has a very specific request before they get married that's a little... um...
Okay, let's be real here; you saw the headline.
from relationship_advice
Apparently in his family it's customary for the patriarch to check the hymen of future brides. And he expects FarReference3 to have hers checked as well.
And if you think it can't get worse than that, I assure you it can.
" He wants me, the night before to open my legs up in a small ceremony type thing so his dad can check me while him, his brothers and uncle can watch so that they know I am still 'pure'."
This isn't just a red flag, this is all the red flags.
"Call off the wedding because that is a horrendous thing to ask." - Orange_Paisley
"If he lets his family do this to you, he does NOT respect you in the slightest. Run away." - phiexox
"This "tradition" is disgusting.
He's essentially asking you to expose yourself to every male in his family. It's nuts. Not to mention reeks of control and abuse." - immortan_jared
There are many layers to this, not the least of which is the sexual assault this ceremony would be. There's an incredibly sexist mentality to women having to prove their purity.
But let's focus on just one aspect of why this is wrong.
While it is possible for it to rip during intercourse, it can also rip from normal physical activities that have nothing to do with it. It's possible to have intercourse and leave your hymen intact.
If it does rip, it's also possible for it to heal. And some women are just straight up born without one.
Can we please kill the myth of the hymen?
"You may not have an intact hymen. Most females don't. This proves NOTHING!!!! Plus it's disgusting to even think about your soon to be in laws looking at your tw*t." - bbeneke
"Some women are born without a hymen at all. What an outdated and inaccurate tradition." - cuntry-girl
This whole situation sounds like a nightmare. You have to wonder why she needed to ask the internet about this at all.
I mean, it's obvious she needs to end this, right?
Well, she came back with an update:
from relationship_advice
After a night of everyone on the internet giving the exact same advice, it appears FarReference3 followed that advice. And while it led to a somewhat violent confrontation:
"I went and talked to him this morning I told him that his father is not going to look at me and he needs to respect that. He was adamant that it needs to happen and accused me about lying about my virginity.
"I was trying to be calm and rational but he was not having it and just became more and more angry. I told him if he really loved me he would stand by me on this and tell his father no to which he slapped me and said he didnt need to prove anything."
It ended with the result the Internet was hoping for.
"so I ended it and left him. I am currently back at my friends house being miserable and eating pizza which is pretty fun."
"He accused you of lying about your virginity, yikes.
You dodged a bullet here. We ALL promise you." - AmethystPeachy
"I'm so glad you decided to end it. Regardless of your cultural background, such a thing is not okay. Your ex fiance is abusive himself by slapping you. At least you found this out before you got married.
Please, please, please do not go back to him. Surround yourself with your family and friends and block him everywhere. You deserve so much better!" - Owezara
Knowing when and how to say no can be difficult. The book Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life is available here.
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