Racism against mixed race people is pervasive.
Mixed race people often encounter prejudice from all sides, being told that they don't belong to any community.
So when you encounter that prejudice, as a parent of a mixed race person, how do you respond?
Redditor AmarieMaresca81 wanted to know if there was something wrong in the way she dealt with a potential partner's prejudice.
She went on the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA" and asked:
"AITA for not telling the guy I was dating that my daughter is biracial?"
She began with how she met the guy in question:
"I started dating this guy I met in January of this year. We went on a few dates here and there, but nothing serious. In March we all went into lockdown, so he and I just texted back and forth, spoke on the phone, and video chatted. Our restrictions just started to lift here and I was really liking this guy, so we decided to hang out and go on a hike. After the hike, we went back to his place to watch a movie and have dinner."
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When the conversation turned to their kids, his prejudices became clear very quickly.
"I was at his place for a couple hours, and we started talking about our daughters. He also has a daughter who is close in age to mine. He had never met my daughter because I don't bring men around my child unless it's a serious relationship. He began showing me pics of his daughter, so I did the same."
"When I was swiping thru pics of her, he asked me if she was mixed. I told him yes, and that my ex husband is black. He then started telling me that I should've told him this in the beginning."
And then he decided to go for a healthy dose of gaslighting:
"I didn't understand because I've never experienced this before. I've always been upfront with the few guys I've dated that I have a child, but I never thought it was important for me to make sure to add that she's biracial."
"He started saying that he didn't think he could go on dating me because his family is very against interracial dating, and they would never accept him dating someone with a child who is mixed. He kept saying over and over that I should've told him because now he's hurt because he really liked me."
"I ended up going off on him and left."
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Though he's been trying to make nice, our original poster, or OP, wasn't in a forgiving mood.
"He's been texting me to apologize and trying to call, but I just ended up blocking him. I told some of my friends and family members about this, and the response has been about half and half."
"Some say I should've told him, while others say he's the a**hole. I haven't dated much since my divorce, so now I'm wondering if this is something I need to tell a date right away."
"I don't get it, and I don't think I did anything wrong, so I'll let u guys be the judge."
Redditors decided who if anyone was wrong by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Most everybody agreed it wasn't OP's job to anticipate her date's racism.
"NTA, frankly I'd be put off if I was on a date and I asked: 'hey do you have any kids?' and they said 'yes, she's 7, she loves my little pony, and she's biracial' I'd think that's weird. He has a super-specific situation in which that was relevant."
"Edit: Sorry guys, I was taking him on good faith that his family was just nuts. Not everyone has the option/resources to just cut toxic family members off. Obviously, if he has a problem with her daughter being biracial personally, he can go F**K himself."
"I'm just taking it as he found out this super cool lady he liked had a kid that would be abused and disrespected by his toxic racist family if he chose to pursue a relationship. Either way she's NTA."~StumbleBee42
"NTA. And honestly? Dude was a racist."~KCELESTINO
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"NTA NTA NTA you dodged a bullet."
"'He started saying that he didn't think he could go on dating me because his family is very against interracial dating, and they would never accept him dating someone with a child who is mixed.' He's enabling his family's racism instead of standing up for it, which is causing him to act racist as a result."
"'He kept saying over and over that I should've told him because now he's hurt because he really liked me.' He's not hurt because he really liked you. He's hurt because he's experiencing cognitive dissonance between liking you and pleasing his family. He recognizes that he can't do both, so he chose his family over you."
"The race of your CHILD shouldn't matter at all to the person you're dating. If it does, all the more reason for them to self-select themselves away from you."
"'I ended up going off on him and left. He's been texting me to apologize and trying to call, but I just ended up blocking him.' GOOD."~Genidoxian
"NTA. Using this guys logic, he should have let you know in the beginning his family was a bunch of ignorant racist sh*t heads"~twix0731
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Racists always seem to put the fault on the other person.
"NTA. It's important to disclose information that could potentially impact a future partner. The only reason this information would impact a partner is if that partner is a racist a**hole."
"So, in that sense, maybe it would have been a good idea to disclose that information sooner so you could have blocked him and moved on before wasting so much time on him."~bethfromHR
"NTA and bullet dodged. Even putting aside his racist family, this is a guy who expects you to manage his emotions for him including from before you ever knew he existed. Fly and be free, OP."~RainyDayWeather
"NTA. The only thing you needed to tell him was that you have a child. Who cares if she's mixed race? The answer; only a racist. You did the right thing by blocking him, especially when he put the guilts on you and made it plain his family are a whole bunch of racists as well."~Pebbles220619
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"NTA. You've disclosed the important stuff - like the fact that you have a child. Why would it even be something you'd think to disclose what race your child is? You should guess that he or his family is a racist? Ridiculous. You were right to block him."~milee30
The consensus that OP was not at fault was overwhelming.
Hopefully in future she finds better people to share her life with.
*If you enjoyed this article, you can read more like it by clicking on the AITA link below.*
The book Dating and the Single Parent: * Are You Ready to Date? * Talking With the Kids * Avoiding a Big Mistake * Finding Lasting Love is available here.
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