Tensions are running high during this lockdown.
Though people love their significant others and children, people are finding some habits annoy them.
One couple thought they were both very thorough regarding their cleaning habits. But when both of them suddenly had to be at home all the time, certain things got amplified.
The boyfriend, Reddit user "chore_throwaway" wrote into the "Am I the A$$hole?" subReddit, trying to get a grip on what had happened in his relationship in the last few weeks.
"My GF Anne (25F) and I (25M) have been dating the past 5 years, since college. After graduation, we were semi-long distance, living close enough that we alternately visited almost every weekend. In 2018, Anne got a job in my city, and we found a place and moved in together."
"Now's a good time to mention the security cameras in our house: break-ins are unfortunately common where we live. We thus got some motion activated cameras, one of which has a view of our kitchen (to monitor the back door). The cameras only record when there's motion so they can retain footage for a very long time. Anne of course knows this."
Months before the lockdown, the couple started having problems, including some very passive-aggressive behavior.
"About a year ago, Anne started complaining I wasn't contributing equally to chores. I've been obsessive about chores my whole life; growing up, not doing the dishes meant no video games for a week. When I lived with roommates, I was always the chore Nazi, making damn sure we all stuck to our chore wheel. Anne is just as fastidious about chores, so we just naturally alternated who did what."
"I'd just been brushing her remarks off, but over the last few months they've become much more aggressive, e.g. I was vacuuming and Anne said 'look at you finally cleaning up around here!' I replied that we alternated vacuuming, to which she retorted 'no, you've vacuumed maybe twice since I moved in.' Exchanges like this have been happening so frequently that I began to doubt my own recollection; am I not as clean as I thought?"
Suddenly being in tight quarters didn't help matters, either.
"Finally, she exploded at me last week. She said that having to stay home constantly over the past weeks exposed how little I do around the house, and that she didn't move in just to be my maid."
That's when the boyfriend decided to put one of their household appliances to good use—their home security cameras.
"Questioning my own sanity, I spent a few hours going through the entire 1.5 year archive of security camera footage, and tallied the exact number of times the kitchen cam caught each of us doing dishes. Our cleaning supplies (vacuum/mop/etc.) are in the kitchen pantry, so I also tallied up how many times we grabbed cleaning stuff."
"To my vindication, the tally showed that we indeed split chores equally. She vacuumed/mopped ~5 more times than I did; I did dishes ~20 more times than she did. Given that we vacuum/mop at least once a week and do dishes at least every day, these are insignificant differences over the year and a half we've lived together."
Though he thought reviewing the footage might help, it actually led to more problems in their relationship.
"When I confronted Anne, she shrugged off her behavior as 'remembering things differently,' but the real sin here was what I did, which she called an 'unforgivable violation of her privacy,' akin to abusive stalking."
"She has broken up with me and is trying to move out, although obviously this is difficult due to current circumstances."
"I'm totally heartbroken - Anne was the love of my life and I can't believe she destroyed our relationship like this."
"To make matters worse, she told many of our friends, who are mostly siding with her! They've been texting me that what I did was creepy, abusive, controlling, invasive, etc. I'm at a loss; I'm beginning to think I'm the one who's off base here."
His fellow Reddit users were unhappy hearing about the undoing of his relationship, but they questioned whether or not there was more to the story.
Specifically on the girlfriend's side, who seemed suspiciously quick to end the relationship. It seems she was ready for the relationship to end and the boyfriend's actions and the lockdown were all the reason she needed.
No one seemed to have a problem with his review of the camera footage, though, since they were both well aware of the installation.
"[Not The A$$hole] (NTA) she has been accusing you of not pulling your weight and you pulled hard proof that you were. She knew about the cameras so it's not an invasion of privacy I would argue and honestly, it sounds like you'll need some time to get over her but it's for the best" - RealSteveIrwin
"Honestly, it was never about the chores. I'm sorry to say it OP, but it reads to me like she was already feeling 'done,' in the relationship, and that's why she was getting mad about the chores. You know how when you are mad at someone, everything they do annoys you?"
"Her perspective of dissatisfaction made her see you in a light that was untrue. And looking at the cameras was not wrong (NTA). She was looking for a reason to get out, and she just jumped on that one. Sorry to hear about all of this. I hope you find someone who appreciates what a great partner you are!" - Cucinawonderwall1492
"Plus having friends/family agree with her validates that she is doing nothing wrong and probably makes her feel less guilty." - lollie4610
"I'm guessing she's not giving them the full story either. You checking out the tapes to keep tabs could come across as super petty if she doesn't add the context of what she was accusing you of." - Cucinawonderwall1492
"I agree her true motive is still hidden from you."
"You are heartbroken now. Especially since you put so much time into the relationship."
"But why is it she has already talked to everyone to get in her side before your logic turns them against her?"
"Bottom line she wanted out and it is never good to hold onto a relationship where your partner won't tell you WHY they are unhappy."
"Good news is you sound like a great partner and you will find a great person who actually knows how to communicate." - fleurettes_mom
Not all relationships are meant to be, even if one member of the couple strongly believes in it. At a difficult time like this, many of these relationships are going to implode as they give under the pressure.
The award winning book, I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships, is available here.
@IrnaEnglish/X
