People Break Down The Wildest Things A Doctor Ever Said To Them

Hearing a medical professional offer their official expert advice or assessment has patients always hanging on their every word.

But occasionally, the things they tell patients can be eye-opening in the unintentionally humorous delivery of their findings.

After all, wouldn't you ultimately want doctors to be up-front and not beat around the bush?

Well, strangers online got more than what they bargained for when Redditor FragmentedTungsten asked:

"What is the most out of pocket thing your doctor has said to you?"

No one likes hearing bad news like this.

Torture Diet

 "Me waking up after emergency surgery because my appendix ruptured." 

"Doctor: 'Pick 3 of your favorite foods you’d love to eat right now.' ”

'Me: 'Pizza, steak, wings.' ”

"Doctor: 'Those sounds amazing. Too bad you won’t be able to eat any of that stuff for at least a week.' ”

– MoistCloyster_

The Doc Will Not Be Fooled

"Appendix burst, doc sent me to the hospital asap."

"Once there a doctor said to my parents 'oh it’s just a young kid who is faking it, take him home, give him some Panadol, water and send him to bed he will be fine.' ”

"Later that night, I can’t walk, getting rushed back into the hospital with surgery prepped asap."

– _Arwys_

The Fakeout

"My husband went to a doctor about chronic back and neck pain in his 20s. The doctor felt his back, looked in his mouth, and told him he had myotonic muscular dystrophy. He told my husband there was no real treatment and that he would be wheelchair-bound within a few years, then he referred him to a specialist."

"We were newlyweds with active hobbies. My husband was a mechanic who made a living off physical labor. We were devastated. A few weeks later, he saw the specialist who promptly informed him that the previous doctor was blatantly wrong."

"They did genetic testing to confirm he didn't have it. Turns out he had mild scoliosis and arthritis. F'k that first doctor, though."

– pook_a_dook

You'd think they were kidding. But they weren't.

Being Frank

"I was having abdominal pain, so my primary care physician scheduled me for an x-ray. The doctor showed me the film, while looking me dead in the eye and said, 'You're literally full of sh*t.' " 

– MooseKnuckle20695

Stare Into The Void

"I told my doc that my butthole gets irritated sometimes. He said I can schedule an appointment to get it looked at if I want, but please schedule it in person. He said a patient once scheduled a video appointment with him and showed him their butthole with their iPad camera."

– totalbrootal

"I work in urology. The number of people who try to show me their junk while doing a telemedicine (video apt) is insane. Do not put your phone in your pants to show me something, please."

– Cautious_Party7793

The Clowning

"My ex-obgyn booped my butthole, even made a boop noise and then laughed. My husband was in the room, and after she left, he asked if that was normal, no sir, that was not faking normal."

– needstherapy

Gender Confirming

"Fingers deep in me during a routine checkup, she says 'Yep! It's a girl' (referring to me)."

– SkrodLaDa

"My first prostate exam was at 33 by a woman who was a trainee doctor, former Olympian, and younger than me. Her preceptor (an older woman) came and asked if I’d ever had a prostate exam before, I replied no, and she said 'well, then this will be new for both of you then.' ”

– jerkface6000

Meet "Moe"

"Had surgery that needed a g-tube. I went home after a month and it was still in. When I was hungry the stitch would rub the skin as my stomach growled. Had to go to the ER a couple days later (false alarm heart attack) and the attending came down to see me. Asked him to take out the g-tube and he surprisingly agreed."

"His name was Moe."

"Asked Moe if it was gonna hurt he said nah, then proceeded to cut the stitch and said 'giddy up' just like f'king Kramer and pulled it out like he was starting a lawnmower."

"He put a gauze on the hole and told me to hold it, he’d be right back. Thinking that he went to get a suture kit was plain silly and wrong. F'king guy comes in with a SMURF bandaid and slaps it on the hole. He must have seen the horror on my face, and he said, 'doesn’t need stitches, but don’t eat any Mac and cheese for a while,' then walked out the door."

– tripanfal

What's up, doc? It's comedy time!

Agreeable Opinion

"Me to my oral surgeon a month ago: 'I’ve really neglected my oral health because of my longtime fear of dentists.' ”

"Him: 'Well, I guess you fcked up, didn’t you?' ”

"I just laughed because he wasn’t wrong and I can appreciate the bluntness."

– Old-Chapter-7431

"After almost breaking my spine after a horrible accident, I was so full of morphine the rectal check was hilarious to me, and the ER doctor was probably tickled by my giggling and said 'We are besties now.' It made my night even better."

– NotAzakanAtAll

ID Please
 

"My new-to-me doctor asked if I could be pregnant. I laughingly replied that that's nothing to worry about because I'm a card carrying lesbian."

"A week later, I read my online medical chart. It clearly notes: 'Patient is a card-carrying lesbian.' "

"Too funny."

– OlyVal

And you thought doctors were all business.

It is understandably shocking when you make a doctor's visit and find humor in certain situations.

But in healthcare facilities, a little humor can go a long way in alleviating fears and stress where laughter is not always prevalent.