Failed relationships can be attributed to several things primarily being the act of committing infidelity.
However, some of the more inherent problems that lead to the demise of relationships aren't talked about much.
Why? Well, it's complicated.
Strangers online shared the things that kill romance when Redditor Bigbumcoolmcool asked:
"What often destroys relationships but is hardly talked about?"
Talking is hard, but make no mistake. It's not an excuse.
The Loudest Quiet
"Silent resentment. Those unspoken grudges build up over time like dust bunnies under the bed, and one day they just explode all over the place!!"
– Rough_Program_9358
"I've seen quite a few people get drunk and just unload on their partner and then not remember it at all. I'm always left thinking, all that sh*t you said didn't just come out of the ether. That's some deep resentment you just revealed."
– cleffawna
"This is it. Avoiding conflicts can turn even the most nonissues into the biggest issue."
"People who can't communicate how they feel or avoid having hard talks are not ready for a relationship."
– Admirable_Excuse_818
Full Transparency
"Lack of honesty in the beginning. If you don’t tell someone something because you are afraid or know that they wouldn’t be with you over you’re wasting everyone's time."
– Cooterhawk
"Seriously, I don't know what they expect to happen. "I didn't tell you because I thought you wouldn't go out with me if I did." And it's just like.... Cool, well, I'm not going out with you now because not only are we incompatible, but you are also a liar. "
– SandwichPrestigious7
A Valued Skill
"Comprehension. It’s easy (to some not all) to communicate the things you are feeling or things that need to be brought up but I feel if your partner doesn’t understand or try to then it doesn’t help with progression of said thing that was communicated."
"In my opinion, it’s important to be understood I want my partner to communicate with me obviously but I want to be able to understand and be understood while doing so."
– Away-Rip-8005
Being respectful goes a long way.
The Invisible Partner
"Lack of appreciation. When you stop noticing the little things your partner does, it can slowly erode the connection without anyone even realizing it!!!"
– Exotic_Athlete_5858
Proving Your Love
"Lack of reciprocity. Actions speak louder than words and showing you appreciate it them is even more important than saying it. "
– ZenythhtyneZ
We're Not Mind Readers
"Beating around the bush and making the other read between the lines. Just say it."
– JustAnEcho416
One-Sided Partnership
"Laziness. If you're fine with letting your partner do all of the relational work (not even mentioning housework, childcare, career, etc.), that sh*t gets old quickly."
– Apprehensive-Dare-51
The dynamic of a relationship can switch when caregiving is involved.
Check Your Status
"Health."
– sillysnoo_
"And it can destroy it in really unexpected ways."
"I had a partner who only felt secure in the relationship if he was doing caregiving and provider activities, but I was still independent. We had a house together, were planning on things being long term, but after I had surgery to fix a problem that’s plagued me our entire relationship, he started sabotaging my health to keep me from continuing to get better."
"Was it intentional? Probably not. I hope not. But it was horrible and confusing and after I went through it, so many more people told me about their similar experiences. It’s deeply f'ked up."
"The more common scenario is also just devastating. Caregiving is a wildly undervalued activity by our society, and you really don’t know the full extent until you’re in a caregiver role. It’s overwhelming to be your partner’s caregiver."
– dharmoniedeux
"It was a few things that escalated over time. Some examples:"
"Insisting that I start contributing to a lot of manual chores and house tasks before I had gotten my surgeons approval.
Emotional manipulation if I’d go do things by myself like the gym, hiking, swimming after receiving surgeon approval. "
"Controlling of my diet. I have dietary restrictions and he’d get VERY upset if he thought I wasn’t eating enough. Won’t ever forget how he didn’t realize a friend was over and absolutely lost it at me only eating a bowl of cereal for dinner. "
"Insisting he do all the cooking, but me noticing I was always sick after eating anything he made. Was upset I was interviewing for full time jobs now that I had no pain or disabling symptoms post-surgery. Insisted I take more pain meds than I wanted or felt I needed."
"But the one that was finally big enough and loud enough a red flag I gtfo was that I have a history of brain injury and lack of sleep is an enormous headache trigger for me."
"He stopped letting me sleep."
"Would like, wake me up to start an argument in the middle of the night, prevent me from doing things I needed to do before bed so I ended up staying up not getting enough sleep."
"By the way, the sleep deprivation one is a like, known abuse tactic, even if there’s zero health issues at play. In this scenario, all of it was controlling behavior, but specifically trying to keep me living my disabled and chronic pain life by directly (food and sleep fu*kery) or indirectly (discouraging gym and physical therapy to rehab after surgery) sabotaging my health goals and medical plans."
– dharmoniedeux
Complexities Of Looking After A Loved One
"Caregiving nearly killed my relationship. It was so hard."
– icedragon9791
"Caregiving did kill my relationship. I watched and took care of them as they refused to take care of themselves, despite them being hospitalized regularly, until I just couldn't handle it anymore. Once they felt like a chore I hated doing rather than my partner, I knew it was time to end it. They went from being my forever person to my obligation over the last 3 years of our relationship."
"They ended up passing away, which was really no one's fault but their own, a year after we broke up. His mother even reached out after his death to tell me she never blamed me for leaving, and told me she never would've even lasted as long as I did at my age."
"Nowadays, my new partner takes care of me more than I do her, and I live in anxiety that one day, I'll be her obligation instead of her forever person too."
– PikaCharlie
When that spark fades..
The Thrill Is Gone
"Lack of fun."
"I know relationships arent always easy. Work to do, baggage to deal with, real life issues, differing goals. But man, once the fun stops, what's the point of going through the motions? You can just do it solo as well at such point."
– VergilHS
"I definitely believe a compatible sense of humor is necessary. I agree with what's the point otherwise? Laughter helps you get through life."
– ElegantBlacksmith462
Inevitable Crossroads
"Growth and change."
"5 years is one thing, 10 years in you’re different people entirely, 15 years in…you either grow together or apart."
"Usually people in their 30s get to the point where they need to grow with their partner and the opposite happens. People grow apart from one another. It’s inevitable."
"Suddenly what once was an amazing thing is now complete sh*t. Could be platonic, could be toxic but it’s shared by two people that are on uncommon ground wanting something to change. Yearning for something more compatible, that fits better."
"I learned this in therapy, at the point of: our relationship either grows or it dies. I chose growth, and I wanted to change."
"This is waiting for everyone."
– Joshman1231
"This is one of the many reasons why no fault divorce is a good thing. Sometimes a marriage ends and it truly isn't anyone's fault. My friend married at 21, at the time she thought she knew what she wanted in life."
"Then there were issues in her family and at 23, she took custody of two cousins (then 11 and 13 years old). Raising her cousins made her realize she didn't actually want a baby like she thought. Her husband still wanted to have a baby with her."
"It was no one's fault they got divorced and for the best that she figured out motherhood from birth wasn't going to be her thing. Her and her ex-husband are now both happily married to other people. He has two kids in the suburbs."
"While, her and her new husband have three dogs, two cats, and some chickens out in the countryside. Both are living their best lives and it wouldn't have been possible if they had stayed together."
"Her cousins are grown up and call her mom. They are thriving too. She is always grateful for her first marriage because if she hadn't been married, her cousins probably would have ended up in foster care since she was so young."
– Great_Error_9602
The honeymoon phase is always the best part.
But there inevitably comes a point where couples have to put in the hard work to maintain the relationship if it's still mutually valued.
Overcoming the various hurdles together that are introduced in long-lasting relationships can only deepen the love between two people.
Is it worth the trouble? That's up to every individual in troubled relationships to decide.
@badgalriri/Instagram