I love to tell off my coworkers.
Some people need some hard truths.
I really love telling them off in ways that they're too lame to realize I'm doing it.
Of course, that's an ego trip.
But every now and again, there is a work acquaintance that needs to just stay fifty yards from me...
Before I end up in prison.
So I try to find the best words to be subtle.
It's not up to me to fix them. Like I said... it's up to me to keep me out of jail.
Reddior chicoravelli wanted to hear about all of the best, subtle ways we've told coworkers off, so they asked:
"How do you professionally tell a coworker to f**k off?"
A Classic
"If you don’t mind, I have a lot to get done."
- Hadge_Padge
"This one might actually be the least offensive yet still effective way of doing this. I’ve been told this and told it to others with no offense taken by any party. We’ve all been there and know what it feels like to need to get something huge or important done and out of the way before we can focus on something else."
- hokiebird428
SAVAGE
"I sometimes reply to emails from annoying co-workers with 'unsubscribe.'"
- Sir_Swaps_Alot
"Fantastic. Stealing this!"
- Relevant-Instance996
Elon Musk Reaction GIF by Robert E BlackmonGiphy
Damn Naysayer
"Was on a conference call while someone was presenting a new document we had to utilize. Someone raised hell about it on the call and the response from the presenter was."
“'I’m not looking for feedback or taking questions at this time.'”
"It shut the naysayer up and I now use this anytime I don’t want to deal with someone."
- stokeszdude
"You obviously mistake this for a democracy. Army quote when an order was questioned. "We are here to defend democracy, not practice it.'"
- Yarray2
"That’s what my Dad did when he worked at his old job, let’s just say the Woman who was screaming at my dad wasn’t happy at all."
- freshub393
Be Efficient
"'Let’s focus on our own tasks to ensure efficiency.'"
- Mediocre_Bowl792
"If the guy whose screen I can literally see from my desk, continues to work on his YouTube videos about speed running games, watching incel dating advice videos, and says he's too busy to keep our website running said this sh*t to me."
- Hvarfa-Bragi
"It's like saying, I’d love to help, but my task list just gave me the stink eye, and I’m not about to get on its bad side."
- topnumber1penis
Keep it Simple
"F**k off. Granted I work in construction so your mileage may vary."
- Gingerchaun
"Exactly. I worked in steel mills for 25 years and NO ONE had a single issue with telling someone else to piss off. If one gets their feelings hurt easily, it's NOT a career to be in. We work in 120°F-150°F temps, at 95% humidity, 12 hours a day, 48-80 hours a week. It's hard, it's hot, it's dangerous as f**k, and it causes tempers to flair OFTEN... Especially in the summer months."
"We don't have the time or inclination to 'play nice' with morons... Especially if they can't do their job, which creates more work for everyone else. I made (I retired in February) over $100k/year for less than 6 months' worth of work a year (most of the time). Roughly half our pay was weekly production incentive on top of regular pay."
"So we had to work like a well-oiled machine to get those $40/hr incentive bonuses on top of the $30/hr pay. People f**king off f**ked ALL of us, so it's very rarely tolerated without someone saying something... Almost always in a very direct manner, without worrying about them getting offended by it... We weren't there to make friends, only to make money."
- RevRon_F**K
Straight Shooter
"One of the perks of being in the military is there are times when I don’t have to be polite and cordial."
- Djglamrock
"I got to cuss out my LPO (E-6) in front of my Senior Chief (E-8) once. That was pretty awesome."
- GobbleGobbleChew
Fight Dance GIF by tv2norgeGiphy
Be Gone
"I prefer the regal approach. 'Your presence is no longer required' while waving them off with a hand gesture.
- Kishandreth
"I was asked to come to my Director's office so they could ask me about XYZ. When we were done, he just turned back to his monitor.
"Apparently, I didn't get the hint fast enough and he did the palm down, only fingers up double wave to indicate I should leave. Never felt like such a peon in my life."
- SnatchAddict
Solutions
"It's your manager's job to assign tasks and to make sure their employees are doing the job effectively."
"If this coworker is impeding your ability to work, dragging you down, bossing you around, etc, most likely talking to a manager is part of the solution."
- Ralph_Nacho
"I" KNOW!
"It's actually not telling somebody to f**k off, but if I tell somebody to have a good weekend or a good week, in my mind I'm telling them to f**k off. It's petty but it sometimes makes me feel better. Nobody knows but me that that's what it means."
- Downtimewaster
While CC'ing
"Is this a new policy/procedure? If so, please let me know where it has been changed and be sure our whole team is updated. While cc'ing our bosses."
"This has been effective in shutting down a particular incompetent buffoon who keeps dragging our respective supervisors into email threads."
"Of course, once I call her on it, she silently crawls away and pretends she never said anything."
- kilamumster
Double-Spaced
"If they're trying to tell me to do/not do something or do it differently, and they have no authority to do so, I simply state I am going to do the thing. Let's say they insist my report must be single-spaced when I want it double-spaced. I just say 'I prefer double-spaced' and walk away. They can't really do anything if they don't have authority over me."
- jittery_raccoon
Dexters Laboratory Type GIFGiphy
I'll Repeat
“'I’ve got a lot to do and I should get back it' they continue 'I’ll repeat myself, I’ve got a lot to do and I am getting back to it' stare at them, and then the door till they leave. Failing that “F**K OFF D**K, I’ve got s**t to do and you’re distracting me if you want to get fired for chatting all day then go find someone else who does too.'”
- Overseerer-Vault-101
TOXIC
"Back in 2016, I worked in a marketing company that focused mostly on vape companies. Most of these companies were run by vulgar people and that kind of rubbed off on our work culture."
"It was not uncommon for workers to literally tell annoying coworkers to f**k off. Very toxic work environment to say the least."
- quarterslicecomics
A Magical Day
"Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I do feel it’s in everyone’s best interest to continue this conversation in a group setting with leadership present so we can all be on the same page. CC your boss on the email I will gladly accept a meeting invite once a time that works for everyone has been reached."
"This gives you time to prepare all of your ammunition/proof so it’s not just a he said she said cesspool."
"On another note, when I have a customer on the phone that I want to tell them how, when, where they can go f**k themselves and how many times while their mom watches… I usually end the call with, 'Have a magically wonderful day' that’s like the Disney version of f**k off. My calls are recorded but I did not say anything rude technically."
- immenselymeXXX
No Specifics
"Identify the specific problem. What behavior is actually bothering you? Is it professional behavior e.g. How they are doing their work, quality standards? Or is it personal e.g. their language, constantly interrupting your work, hygiene?"
"Once you have identified what specific problem you have you can ask them nicely to refrain or correct the behavior. But if you just tell them 'f**k off' and say 'you hate bothering me' with no specific indication of what behavior bothers you, then you are kind of the jerk. But also try to see it from their side. It's hard to be more specific without knowing the specific problem."
- Crazy_names
We Moved On
"Once I was saying something to our graphic designer. We have an open office concept... he just yelled out 'OH F*** YOU" and we all laughed and went back to work. HR asked us to not swear at each other anymore. It depends on the relationship. I am a pretty laid-back person and in those situations, I think people can be frustrated and say things that are emotional and that's fantastic because they're not saying it behind you and you know where they stand."
"You can address it, you can correct the situation whether they're right or you're right. Like in this case it was a design decision and maybe I had been insensitive to how he felt about that decision since he made it. It wasn't huge... we moved on. We're still friends almost 10 years later. People should tell each other they're over the line."
- jtmonkey
Bored Now
"Stay complaining about mundane things like forgetting to feed your fish or that you feel unwell. Ask them the time and day you feel tired."
- Hummus_199
bored buffy the vampire slayer GIFGiphy
Risk/Potential
"This was one exchange between a boss and an underling who otherwise liked and respected each other. Imagine this said in a playful tone of voice between work-friends."
"'I suggest you go think about this until you agree with me.'"
"High-risk potential - make sure you're solid with the person first. So long as everyone smiles afterward, you're fine."
- mjc4y
Hey Manager
"If you have any other questions or concerns, please feel free to direct them to my manager. I tell my office all the time, when you get sick of arguing or discussing things with people, send them my way. I always have my team's back, even if they're wrong, cuz it's MY job to correct them, and no one else's."
"And if I get sick of discussing things, I'll send them my manager's way... cuz I'm upper management, and if you really wanna take this higher than me, I know what side corporate management is gonna be on."
- SecretTimeTrash
Perfect
"I have a glass paperweight that reads, not at this time. And it goes on to say that tomorrow is looking unf**king likely, too. I look at it when approached."
- RevolutionaryPace167
Meryl Streep GIF by PeacockGiphy
Wow... y'all are all creative.
I'm in LOVE with some of these.
I would go back to in-person working just to use some of these.
