Nobody really teaches you about sex. You sort of just dive in headfirst and hope for the best.
Unfortunately, this strategy works about as well as you'd expect it to. Sometimes, things are fine. Rarely, things are good.
Most often, things went horribly, horribly wrong.
u/owenja104 asked:
What went horribly wrong during your first time having sex?
Here were some of those answers.
Upchuck To I Do
I took off my bra and he was so overwhelmed that he vomited.
We're now married.
Thank You Noise!
Bomb went off.
First I had a heck of a time getting condom on and by the time I figured it out a bomb went off outside. A legit bomb that was super loud. I find out later that some kids from my high school were messing around and put a works bomb* in a neighbor of mine's (a girl from said high school) mailbox. Like the loudest noise ever. My parents were upstairs asleep - and there's no way anyone could sleep through that... so we panic-dressed and sure enough everyone woke up, the cops showed up at the neighbor's, and my v-card stayed intact for another year.
Bump Bump Bump Bump
We were dumb enough to lay bare naked in the woods. 43 mosquito bites later (I did count) and yeah, not my proudest moment.
Soldiering On Through
Proceeding to have sex on the floor, hitting the night stand, and having a picture frame hit her in the face and her starting to gush blood. Thankfully, it didn't kill the mood entirely.
A Series Of Unfortunate Events
I only pulled her pants down to her knees and got in missionary position. I told her to raise her legs up and it made me do a somersault on her face. It also broke her glasses.
Later we finally had sex and her bed had like a foot board that had little wooden bars in the middle. She kept pressing them with her feet -- one of the bars shot across the room and cracked a window.
The Getaway
It was at a summer camp that used the dorms at a local university, guys in one building, girls in another but I was local and stayed at home so my parents wouldn't have to pay the extra housing cost. We had been fooling around during the day, and she suggested I come back in before curfew when they kicked out all the members of the opposite sex. She had one of those raised dorm beds, maybe three feet high so you could put drawers underneath or whatever. So room checks start happening so I hide under the bed then her and her roommate hang a blanket over the edge of the bed so it reaches all the way to the ground and her and the roommate sit and just watch a movie on a laptop while I hid Anne Frank style. Finally lights go out and she comes down and joins me under the bed. I really tried my best but did absolutely horrible, I must have hit my head three times and with the roommate in the room and knowing this girl was... experienced... I just finally tried to fake it. Unfortunately I'm pretty sure she was very aware.
So I slowly open the door and oak outside and there are two counselors doing rounds down the halls (four story building with the camp kids on the middle two floors). I time it as one counselor is walking upstairs and the other is walking away from me and the stairwell. I successfully make it to the stairs and head down only to find its an emergency exit with the "alarm will sound" sign. I get ready to head back up but then I hear somebody enter the stairwell on the second floor and start to head down.
I immediately bolt through the door, the alarm starts going off, I hear yelling behind me but I just keep running. I realize they'd probably expect someone running towards a car in the front parking lot to be the culprit so I instead head for the field nearby and dive into a ditch. Spend the next two hours watching all the inhabitants of the dorm come outside for roll call, local fire department comes, campus police comes, even a local police officer.
So yeah, that was my first time.
Something Definitely Shook
Not horribly wrong, but it was in the backseat of my dad's Chrysler LaBaron GT Turbo, and we made a stain that lasted until he sold the car. I told him I spilled a milkshake and would always see that stain and remember the act fondly.
Parental Tinges Of Guilt
It was a school night and I was around at her's. My mum was due to pick me up at 22:30. We started shagging at around 22:10 and as soon as it hit 10:20 I began to worry I won't be done in time. 22:40 hit and I just kept thinking how angry she's going to be after waiting outside. Finished just before 23:00. So I spent the majority of my first shag thinking about my mum.
Polly Got It
So she had a parrot, who was (/is because i still follow her on instagram and she still posts him) her best friend. she LOVED this bird. So much so, she never covered his cage. ever, even at night. He slept when she slept and whatnot. This bird (african grey) is ridiculously smart and this thing knew colours, shapes, body parts, people's names and all of that.
It had met me before, but this time her parents and brother were out so it was just her and this bird. got there and nearly 30 seconds after walking into her bedroom i closed the door and we started kissing like you do. Carrying on, i took off my pants only after being at her house for less than 3 minutes.
As soon as i took of my pants, the bird started talking about my butt. The entire time, with the 1975's first album playing on shuffle in the background from her phone, this bird was talking about my butt. The entire time her and i were laughing our butts off (no pun intended) and overall i wouldn't have it any other way.
We broke up about 5 months later for different reasons and since we're still on good terms we still occasionally talk, about life and stuff. I hope her and the parrot are doing well right now.
Do you have something to confess to George? Text "Secrets" or "" to +1 (310) 299-9390 to talk him about it.
@IrnaEnglish/X
