Parents With Estranged Children Explain How Their Relationship Fractured

Everyone goes through challenging times with their parents.

First in our youth, when we roll our eyes and have a fit when they tell us we can't do something, and right through adulthood, when they might openly question or belittle our life choices.

Of course, most of the time we accept these frustrations, as we know that deep down, our parent's behavior always comes from a place of love.

Not all parent/child relationships are quite so resilient, however, and sometimes all it takes is one defining moment for children to cut off all contact with their parents.

Sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently.

Redditor youngGod928 reached out to parents who became estranged from their children, wondering what lead to their fractured relationships, leading them to ask:

"Parents with grown children who no longer speak to you, what do you think led to the estrangement?"

Too Little, Too Late

"My kids still speak to me, but not much."

"I'm better than I was, but I was a crap parent."

"Poverty was part of it."

"Hooking up with the wrong men, just to have a little more income, or not to pay for child care."

"Bed chemical decisions."

"I got myself cleaned up, got out of debt, got rid of the guy who was harassing my boy, and acting like the girl (our kid together ) could do no wrong."

"My parents were atrocious, and I really thought I was much better."

"Actually, I was much better, but I wasn't enough better."

"It was hard for me to show love because I never experienced it myself."

"There were times I didn't hear from my boy for years, and honestly, I know I deserved that."

"I wrote him a long letter, apologized for my faults, and honestly have tried to be better."

"We have a much better relationship now, and while we are not super close, we have something, and I'm grateful."- basketma12

Wasn't Cut Out To Be A Mother

"Father to the daughter that cut off contact with her mother, my wife, here."

"Mother is (still) a narcissist, emotionally and mentally abused the kids until they moved out one by one."

"Mother also a functioning alcoholic."

"The daughter (moved to a different state) cut off all contact with her mother, vowed to never let her see the grandchildren."

"Mother spent months raging, trying weak apologies, saying things like, 'I'm sorry you're upset'." and 'You need to grow past what happened' and (to me) 'She is stuck in the past'."

"Daughter and I are very close, I facetime with the grandbabies regularly, and visit on holidays."- warrant2k

Someone Certainly Seems Hard To Deal With...

"Not me but I was on a Facebook group a few weeks back where this older woman in her 60s claimed to be estranged from her kids, and she didn't know why."

"She assumed that the kids were hard to deal with and she did her best but no matter what they were always out to get her or feel that she was being aggressive."

"When someone made a comment or suggestion saying that the way she phrases things may contribute to it based on how she spoke, this woman flipped out on the person who commented."

"When I followed saying if that's how she speaks to them, then I can see why they may feel that way, she flipped out on me saying I don't know her story and that she was the nicest person she ever knew."

"Some people just genuinely don't have the mental capacity to learn how to grow."- GeronimoJak

Maturity Is Not Hereditary

"Sometimes children outgrow their parents whose development is halted."- RefrigeratorSalt9797

Lies And Denial

"My father recently died with 2/5ths of his kids talking to him."

"Both of those two had considered cutting contact."

"I had a few emails exchanges with him before he died to discuss why he had never met my daughter."

"He made excuses for what he could and denied the rest."

"He couldn't live with his actions, I think."

"Anyway, he told everyone that all his kids were just mentally ill and it wasn't his fault."

"I think he honestly believed it."

"Then he ended up stealing 5/6ths of the money my mom had left to us kids (with him as trustee) and gave it to his second wife."

"Guy was a f*cking prince."- Uglypants_Stupidface

Accepting Your Own Mistakes Is The First Step To Recovery

"My daughter and I were estranged for 18 months."

"It.was.hell."

"It was also all my fault."

"I had crossed a boundary and god bless her, she called me on it and told me to go f*ck myself."

"I was incensed!"

"How dare she!"

"Well she dare because she was right."

"And I had to go introspective and work on me."

"She reached out 18 months later and we have been in touch now and have a SOLID relationship."

"It is a communicative relationship."

"Understanding and just being compassionate to each other."- bibliosapiophile

Practice What You Preach

"My mom and I stopped talking for a 14 year stretch."

'When my son was very little, we were on vacation with my mother."

"My wife and I had a small disagreement about his breakfast and afterwards, my mother pulled me aside and said I should take my son with me to a hotel for a few days to teach my wife a lesson."

"I disagreed, telling her that I didn't feel that I should be taking marital advice from a woman who had been divorced 3 times."

"She didn't take it as well as you might think."

"We finally started taking again when my grandmother passed away and have been fine ever since."- angryshark

Doing Nothing Is Often One Of The Worst Things You Can Do...

"2 of my 3 don't talk to me."

"I stayed with their abusive father, and they hate me for not protecting them by leaving."

"There's so much more to this, but that's what it all boils down to."

"It was of course unintentional, and I thought I was doing the 'right' thing."

"I took a lot from him to protect them, but if I could go back, I'd love myself enough to show them what a strong mother looks like and get us all out."

"That would have been the right way to protect them."- DesignerMidnight7742

Well Then...

"May I?"

“'I grew up an orphan during the Great Depression, and there was no way in hell that my kids would have an easier life than me'."

"'I would do everything in my power to recreate my joyless, deprivation-filled childhood for them, so that they would know first hand what I went through'."

"'I would offer no emotional or financial support, because I had none'."

"'I would crush any interests they had, and sabotage their every action with the ferocity of Genghis Khan'."

"'I would do things to them that in today’s world would be on the news'."

"'I would put on a cheerful and friendly face to the outside world, and immediately revert to my evil self at home'."

"'I never tired of raging and shrieking'."

"'I would be completely shameless at all times'."

"'I thought nothing of living a life of deceit, yet paint myself as a devout religious person'."

"'I lived a life of agonizing pain, never had a moment of love, laughter, peace, or safety, never knew where my next meal was coming from, so was it really so awful that I continued that tradition with my own kids?'”

"I skipped her funeral."- brotogeris1

Delusion Is Very Real

"My mother literally couldn't tell you."

"I don't mean she doesn't know, I've told her, but she's clinically delusional-an actual narcissist."

"Straight up rewriting memories AS THEY HAPPEN to the point she thinks we're plotting against her when we agree and she doesn't."

"She claims my partner is why."

"She told my family I was on drugs. Ironic, since she's on just about everything and can't see our youngest brother without supervision anymore."

"I don't know what she did for that, but due to my own childhood...I can guess and it's not good."- ConfectionaryRats

Above All Else, Children Need Love

"My parents are too old for Reddit."

"I estranged from them because they never, ever wanted me."

"My mother didn't want kids but in that day, that wasn't an option."

"They had my sister first and sort of 'used up' their love on her."

"When I came along five years later, they didn't have anything left."

"I didn't find out until 35 that it wasn't anything I did: my mother just really didn't want kids."

"By then, though, I'd internalized close to four decades of being unwanted."

"I am terrified of being abandoned and have had rafts of therapy."

"My parents were never abusive."

"We had food on the table and clothes on our backs."

"I had My Little Ponies and She-Ra figures."

"I started drinking when I was 15."

"My parents did not notice."

"They told me I was 'the independent one' so I didn't need their love."

"We also were not a demonstrative family."

"My family did not hug or kiss or touch in any way."

"I think I have hugged my parents maybe ten times or so."

"Both parents are quite smart and there was always a kind of... judgement?"

"About people who couldn't use their words and had to use their bodies instead."

"Like only poor or stupid people hug their kids."

"I could go through a list of what they did for my sister versus me, but f*ck it."

"I would be accused of hyperbole, or of making things up whole cloth."

"We were only nominally raised in the same household; her life had a very, very, very different trajectory."

"Suffice it to say that it wasn't just the love that my sister used up - time, money, effort, ideas, conversation - I got none of those things."

"If it matters, I don't blame Sister - we still talk."

"It wasn't her fault."- Substantial_Lake_980

Talking Solves More Problems Than You Might Think

"My daughter hasn’t spoken too much in the last 2 years."

"She’ll come to family (her grandparents aunts/uncles/cousins), but only replies to anything I say with one or two word answers."

"I wish I could say I don’t know why."

"But I do."

"Her mom said she feels I put her second after her mom and divorced."

"I keep trying to rebuild that bridge."

"Hopefully in time."

"The take away is this. It doesn’t matter how you perceive things, it’s how your child does."

"Don’t ever let them doubt how you feel about them."- G1optimusprime

The Apple Doesn't Far Very Far From The Tree..

"Father of three adult daughters here."

"I'll give the situation as it exists now then try to explain how/why it got there."

"Oldest had completely cut me out of her life."

"We were always distant, even when she was younger, but it got much worse as she got into her 20s."

"We didn't speak for years."

"She is now 33 and we occasionally message when she initiates the convo."

"The coldest has thawed some but it is still delicate."

"Middle girl is my carbon copy and we had a good relationship when she was younger."

"When she hit late-teens we drifted apart."

"Now she is 28 with four kids, only the oldest of which I've ever met."

"Not allowed to see the others."

"We rarely if ever message each other."

"Youngest daughter treated me like I walked on water."

"Did so until just a couple of years ago."

"Recently (just a week or so ago) she informed me she no longer wants any contact with me."

"As for the how/why part, I was raised in a single parent home."

"My mother did her best to provide for our needs but she was cold and distant."

"No hugs. Any event in school I was automatically blamed before she had any details."

"If it was proven I was innocent, she would brush off her previous accusation by claiming she was sure I probably did something anyway."

"Lots more I can add here."

"Some of it too sensitive to share even in an anonymous board."

"I hated the way she was and vowed I would do things differently when/if I had children."

"Well, I had children."

"While I did attempt to change my behaviors from what I'd experienced, I slowly added my own ingredients to this soup."

"Essentially, I ran our home as a military installation."

"My girls were quickly and harshly disciplined for even the most minor of offenses."

"While there were occasional spankings when they were little, the discipline evolved into very binary (go / no go) rules."

"For instance, you are expected to get this minimum score on a test at school or you can't go to your friend's house on the weekend."

"You didn't make that grade, you were not going."

"If you cried and begged and pleaded, you were still not going but now I would restrict / remove some other thing you wanted for not accepting your fate."

"And so on."

"When they did things that were good, I would more or less dismiss this as me not rewarding them for what they should have done anyway."

"Basically, they couldn't win."

"I believed at the time that I was building strong girls into strong women."

"It feels as though I've done the exact opposite."

"On the rare occasions I do hear from them, and the subject of the past comes up (this is very rare) I get the 'I don't hate you but I don't want you in my life' speech."

"It's deserved but that doesn't lessen the sting."

"My hope for the future is, as they grow older, time passing will allow them to be more comfortable around me."

"As they are all adults now, my desire to control them as I did when they were kids is gone."

"I simply want an adult-child/parent relationship."

"I guess I haven't earned that right, but I still hope for it one day."- BearSef

Reverse Psychology? Or Blatant Neglect

"My father would go long stretches not talking to me, then would ask why I'm not talking to him."- Puzzleheaded-Fix3359

It's every parent's worst nightmare to become estranged from their child.

Devastating though it may be, sometimes a little space and distance, either temporary or permanent, might be the only path to forgiveness.