Oh Lawd... history is FULL of scandal kids. The things they don't tell us is a mountain we'll never see the top of, and maybe we shouldn't, at least not without parental supervision. If everything that's not in the books was; we'd be living in libraries. And a large portion of history needs to come with a rating.... and a shower and a voucher for some vodka. Whew.
Redditor u/waxlrose wanted to know about all the things we're denied learning about history by asking.... What's a NSFW detail about a historical figure that's normally left out of the history books?
"When in Vienna"
GiphyIt's becoming more well known but Mozart wrote a chorale literally called "Lick my Butt" to piss off the bishop who employed him in Salzburg, hoping to get fired so he could go to Vienna.
After Alois....
After Alois Alzheimer gave the first ever speech describing the symptoms of what would later become known as Alzheimer's Disease, no one in the audience asked him any questions or made any follow-up comments, despite the fact that this was quite literally one of the most important presentations ever given in the field of medicine.
(For real: Alzheimer's Disease affects about 6% of people aged 65 and older. It's a big deal.)
So why did no one pay it much attention? Turns out they were all much more focused on the next guy on the docket, who (allegedly) was there to talk about about compulsive masturbation.
Hey Grover.....
President Grover Cleveland, 49, married Francis Folsom, 21, in the White House. He was basically her godfather and even bought her a baby bed when she was an infant. She knew him as Uncle Grover as a child and told him she wanted to marry him in the White House one day. https://www.vox.com/2015/2/27/8120283/house-of-cards-marriage
Ben is Strung.
GiphyIn school I was taught that Ben Franklin had a string of pearls that was several feet long. He would add a pearl to it each time he slept with a new woman.
"Dear Elizabeth"
Little late but worth a shot.
Elizabeth Bishop and Robert Lowell (the poets) had a 30 year letter exchange where Robert, while married, swooned over Elizabeth after he initially met her, declaring his love and want to propose for her all while being married and her blatant denial and uncomfortable lesbian anguish at this fact.
He threatens suicide and lots of self harm while she's just like "haha let's read this book together and not think about romance".
He was a manic cocaine freak and she was a CRAZY alcoholic lesbian with a toucan. She drank rubbing alcohol when denied conventional drinks. There's a great play highlighting these events called "Dear Elizabeth".
being gay...
After Alan Turing cracked the enigma code, essentially ending WW2 years earlier than expected and saving countless lives, he was thanked by the British government in the form of chemical castration. All because he was a gay man.
Snowing....
GiphyFreud loooved cocaine. He had a friend with a morphine addiction, and he thought giving the guy cocaine would cure him.
It did not.
Oh Goddess....
Gaius Julius Caesar was a huge player. He slept with at least one women in every town he visited according to his soldiers. He slept with the queen of Egypt. He slept with his rival's (Cato the Younger's) sister. He also slept with a mother and her daughter (not at the same time). This was fitting as he claimed descent from Venus, the goddess of love and lust.
Harry Cheeks....
GiphyThe great magician Houdini once escaped a prison cell while fully nude as to not hide anything to escape. However what the guards failed to check was that he hid a skeleton key in his butt checks.
The Goth Way.
Mary Shelley, the author of Frankenstein (who also popularized gothic literature), used to meet up with her future husband, poet Percy Shelley, at the cemetery where her mother was buried. They would meet up and have angsty sex on her mother's grave bc she was goth as hell.
Moreover, Frankenstein was inspired by her fascination with reanimation, the idea of bringing something dead back to life. When she learned about this idea, she was obsessed with the idea of bringing back her baby who died days later after being born, thus sparking the idea of the monster of Frankenstein.
A way out....
GiphyA bit late to the party, but....
During WW1, sex workers in Britain were more expensive if they had STD's. This was because if a soldier hired them and got infected, the soldier could be honorably discharged, and not have to fight in war.
The River Flow
Ancient Egyptians believed the god Atum created the universe by masturbating, and that the ebb and flow of the Nile corresponded to how much he came. To honor this, the pharaohs ceremonially masturbated into the river.
Kinky Victor.
Probably said here elsewhere, but Victor Hugo (author of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, among other tales) was a notorious philanderer who had affairs on top of affairs with sex workers throughout his life.
When he died, ALL of the brothels in Paris had to close because so many of them attended his funeral.
Heard he also would write naked, and ask someone to keep his clothes outside the door so he'd continue writing.
And this kinky granddad was visiting brothels waaaaaay into his old age. Heard that he had a mark in his diary for each sort of visit?
Liberty for Who?
Patrick Henry (the American founding father better known for his quote, "give me liberty or give me death") kept his wife imprisoned in a cellar because of her frequent outbursts due to postpartum depression. His wife had eventually died in that cellar, and he had buried her in an unmarked grave. 10/10 quote but the wife killing part always seems to get left out of history texts.
Bottoms Up....
GiphyPyotr Tchaikovsky was a submissive bottom.
In one note, never before published in Russian or English, Tchaikovsky wrote of a young servant "with whom I am more in love than ever", adding: "My God, what an angelic creature and how I long to be his slave, his plaything, his property!"
In French....
I'm sorry but my source is in French, I can translate the beginning : King Louis XIV anal fistula
"The anal fistula of king Louis XIV is one of the many illness that king Louis XIV had suffered. It was his surgeon Charles-François Félix which carried the surgery successfully in 1686 after the development of a particular tool and a training on a dozen of indigents. The recovery of the king had a considerable impact in France and in Europe, and gave place to numerous civil and religious ceremonies in the kingdom."
Sessions.
Not hidden in his home country, but not known by the rest of the world though, is the fact that H.C. Andersen left a mark in his diary, every time he choked the chicken. Sometimes with a little note on the side, with his thoughts about the "session".
Dirty Diana....
Princess Diana and her "Le Gadget" - a sex toy that she carried around with her when she went on diplomatic trips. She had even shown a table of foreign officials her toy as a prank on numerous occasions. She also believed it brought her good luck, one time she forgot to bring it with her and actually asked a body guard to go back to the hotel to fetch it for her.
Edit: Ok just checked and she apparently left it all the way back in the UK while on a trip to Nepal (not just at a hotel), and ordered it to be dispatched to the capital Kathmandu.
"Father of Microbiology"
The first thing the "Father of Microbiology," Anton van Leeuwenhoek, put under a microscope was semen. They understood that semen was integral to the creation of life but didn't yet understand the concept of single-cell organisms. He fully expected to see tiny little humans in his specimen.
So yeah, the first thing he did was fondled himself on a slide and look at it.
Forget the Apples....
GiphyGeorge Washington had severe hemorrhoids, to the extent that he couldn't even ride a horse into battle sometimes, and had to be pulled on a cart.
Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
Buy It GIF by Lucas and Friends by RV AppStudios 
Hungry Labor Day GIF by Bounce 
animation domination calendar GIF by gifnews 
Money Coins GIF by Ashlyn Anstee 
instant ramen GIF 
@angrystaffer/Bluesky
@CactusBengal/X
@faineg/Bluesky