Childhood Experiences People Thought Were 'Normal' But Weren't At All

Content Warning: Child neglect, child abuse, narcissism, gaslighting, people-pleasing, and other traumatic childhood experiences

It's important for us to work on ourselves, to continue bettering ourselves throughout our limited time on this earth, and a key way of doing that is acknowledging what we do not know, and working on that.

But sometimes you don't know what you don't know until the reality of it hits you.

For those who struggle in their adult years with healthy, functional relationships, coping mechanisms, standard social cues, and other things that the people around them just seem to "get," they might eventually realize that how they navigate the world and the people around them started when they were kids.

And quite frankly, there may have been some things that they learned as kids that were far more harmful than good.

Already cringing, Redditor randinicole831 asked:

"What's a 'normal' childhood experience you later realized was actually traumatic?"

Constant People-Pleasing Or "Fawning"

"I wouldn't say I'm traumatized from it, but I realized I'm a people pleaser because my father never showed me that he was proud of me when I was younger. His attitude towards my achievements would lead me to believe they were expectations more than things to be proud of."

"It was an internal conflict I struggled with throughout my teen years and into my early 20s, but I'm glad to say I've been working on it since recognizing the root cause of my people-pleasing."

- GlitteringLook3033

"Compulsive people-pleasing is a trauma response called fawning. Something doesn't have to be an unspeakable horror to be traumatic. Emotional neglect is enough to result in people pleasing or chasing external validation as an adult."

- peachy1313

Low Or No Expectations At All

"I don’t know if traumatized is the right word, but the way nobody expected anything good out of me."

"Growing up, I was always told, 'You’re not ready,' or 'How are YOU going to be able to handle that,' especially when it came to big dreams or life milestones (telling everyone I’d never be ready to drive or I’d never be able to keep a job, yet they’re the only ones who kept me from those things)."

"It really did a hit on my self-esteem, and it’s still nearly impossible to do things that feel too 'big.'"

- No_Software3786

Not Helpful Constructive Criticism

"Always getting ‘constructive criticism’ instead of praise."

"Draw a picture? 'That looks weird; you should fix the eyes on that.' Make a painting? 'You chose weird colors. I wouldn’t have done it like that.' Get a 95% on a school project? 'Why didn’t you get 100%?'"

"It created people-pleasing tendencies, which led to never feeling like anything I do is ENOUGH. I’m grown and married to a man who thinks sunshine radiates from my pores, but I still often feel that my best isn’t great."

- awkward_turtle_2121

The Infamous Rage Cleaning

"Really mild, but my pulse still shoots up whenever I hear my mother walk or breathe heavily, since that's what she did before what we kids called a 'cleaning rampage,' in which she angrily and bitterly cleaned my two little sisters' messes while blaming me and my big sister for it."

"I used to dig through the trash to retrieve the things of mine she threw away because she hated 'junk' and 'I wouldn't even notice.' I thought I was a bad, messy kid."

"Nope, turns out she had impossible standards for cleanliness with four little kids running around and she's so much happier now that she's accepted she cannot maintain that."

- LadyCordeliaStuart

"Oh man, I thought my mom was the only one who did cleaning rampages."

"Flipping a table to dump everything on it to the floor. Sweeping s**t off the counters, out of cabinets. Getting upset when something she wanted to keep would smash, and then blaming me. Smashing dirty glass bowls on the kitchen floor. Guess who made them dirty?"

"Throwing all of my toys in trash bags and then taking them out to the dumpster because I 'couldn't keep my room clean' when she'd never taught me how."

"Oh, she doesn't remember any of this, of course. I tried to talk to her about it a couple of times and was met with rampant gaslighting. 'That's not how it went, you're remembering wrong,' and, 'That doesn't sound like me, I wouldn't do that.'"

"Of course you don't remember this, Mom, because it's not seared into your f**king brain like it is mine."

"For me, those were some of the most traumatic days of my life."

"For you, it was a Tuesday."

- CharlieMorningStar

Improper Hair Care

"My mom cut my long hair into a short bob at the beginning of the first grade because I hadn't learned to take care of my hair myself yet."

"She first tried to bribe me with something I wanted and told me I could get my ears pierced if I learned to take hair of my hair myself. Then when that didn’t work, she told me she’d cut it short if I couldn’t learn."

"My hair was down past my shoulders, maybe even starting to approach my waist because I thought that if I grew my hair long enough, I’d become a princess (not really sure where this came from and I don’t remember my mom knowing until after the haircut when I cried, 'Now I’ll never become a princess!').!

!My hair wasn’t super curly, but it was fine and wavy/situationally curly, so not the hardest hair to care for, but definitely prone to tangles (especially for an active kid and using 90s hair care methods)."

"For years, I thought this was just a funny story and reasonable action on her part. She tried a reward first, and then she tried a promised consequence (and actually followed through, which wasn’t consistent). But looking back now with a two-and-a-half-year-old, I’m like What the f**k???"

"Is combing my child’s hair a nightly battle that wayyyy overstimulates me? YES. Is it still my job as her mother? Yes!"

"And I can’t imagine in a few years it would be that much different. She’ll be able to do more of it herself, but I can’t imagine her being 100% fully capable of owning the responsibility of the task alone, AND THAT'S OKAY."

- mssleepyhead733

Sibling Boundaries

"There is a difference between normal sibling fighting and abuse."

"I always thought the things that happened to me were normal sibling stuff and would even tell friends they were the weird ones when their experience was different."

"I went to therapy, told a little story of something that happened, and my therapist said, 'That’s called torture. You were being tortured and told that it was supposed to be fun.'"

- Muted-Bandicoot8250

Justice For The Lost Pets

"Waking up to find my guinea pig gone one morning after I wasn’t able to understand some of her behavior and started complaining."

"My father likely put her out in the woods and let her become food for a predator. I didn’t say anything because I knew it wouldn’t have mattered to my dad."

"Later, I always felt such guilt and thought that if I just kept my mouth shut, she wouldn’t have had that done to her."

- Rabbitrules87

"If it helps, my stepdad found a little guinea pig in the woods and took it home, and it lived a long and happy life. Someone might have found your pet and done the same."

- EdgarAlansGardenHoe

An Unsafe Environment For Healing

"My mom yelled at me when I was hurt or sick instead of being nurturing."

"She has bad anxiety and doesn't handle stressful situations well. This has led me to crave a ton of sympathy/attention when I'm sick as an adult."

- NearlyZeroBeams

"My mom was similar, but it’s led to the opposite. When I’m sic,k I don’t want people to touch me and to just leave me alone. Same when I’m injured, I don’t even want people to acknowledge it or talk to me to see if I’m okay. Just let me shake it off, or I’ll let you know if we need an ambulance. I never really put it together that it’s probably a response to her yelling."

"It’s also crazy how the same stimulus affects kids differently because my brother seeks attention and assurance when sick likely because of this."

- Temporary-Sundae2471

Emotional Suppression

"Being told ‘stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about,’ like, oh cool, emotional suppression unlocked at age five!"

- Best_Sherbet2727

"My parents always told me to go cry in my room and come out when I’m done because nobody cares or wants to see it."

"It's really difficult to process in your mid-30s why your husband would feel offended that you keep your emotions to yourself and hide when you feel off. Because it’s not normal."

- International-Bake360

Living On The Edge

"Constantly walking on eggshells to avoid making my dad angry."

- Moosef45

"I've mastered the fake smile and always second guess myself when something difficult happens in my life. It's like I'm unable to process my emotions properly because of always having to be on guard and feeling on edge for such a long time. Ughh, mentally exhausting!"

- Infamous_Day9685

A Lack Of Comfort

"Never receiving any hugs from my parents. Or valuable advice. Not even when I cried/was hurt physically. Comfort was quite absent, too."

"I only realized a few years ago when I saw a 17-year-old teenager leaning against his dad and telling him about his struggles about an upcoming big decision. Never have had that level of support and comfort, and it still makes my eyes water when I think about it in weak moments."

- magischeblume

"My parents have never told me they love me. They’ve never said, 'I’m proud of you,' or, 'We love what you’ve done with your life.'"

"I didn’t realize this was strange until I had my daughter. She’s only THREE, and I’m so proud of her all the time. I tell her I love her all day long. I can’t imagine that when she goes on to tackle challenges and face the world head-on, I’ll be her biggest and loudest supporter."

"I don’t know why my parents don’t feel this way. Or why they don’t communicate it."

- murfettecomp

Not Good Enough To Communicate

"Being accused of 'talking back.' Turns out, they just wanted me to be silent and have no opinion or feelings."

"My mother and stepfather used to constantly say how I was mouthy and constantly talked back."

"Well, yeah, how else am I supposed to communicate? Smoke signals?!"

- SeraphRising89

"Or if you answer a question in what you think is a normal tone, and then your parents get angry for 'being rude,' and you try to plead that, 'No, I wasn't rude; I wasn't trying to be rude!'"

- shf500

"This still happens to me. It takes soo much energy to have a happy voice. Look, sometimes, my voice is flat and has minimal inflection; that doesn't mean I'm angry. It just means that's my voice and energy level right now."

"And really, if I 'speak up,' then I feel like I'm shouting, and that's worse! Working on it, but man..."

- Certain-Criticism-44

The Silent Treatment

"The silent treatment. I still assume that someone is angry when they’re quiet. I’m 70."

- Yajahyayaya

"Sometimes, I casually mention my dad didn’t talk to me for two months because my room was too messy, and my mom and I stopped talking for so long, my dad had to beg me to talk to her again. I’ve been in therapy for so long."

- goodhannahhunting

"It took being with my husband for two years before I believed him being quiet didn’t equal him being angry at me."

"I still remember pleading with my parents to PLEASE answer me, sitting on the floor outside their bedroom door. I think this is why I over-communicate EVERYTHING now."

- bilusional22

Must Be "Low Pain Tolerance"

"My mom always said I had a low pain tolerance. I ended up with a double kidney infection TWICE because she refused to take me to the doctor."

"It’s so strange how parents treat different kids. My brothers got rushed in every time they got sick. They both had various surgeries (tonsil removal, ear tubes), but I lived with chronic ear infection as a kid, and never had my tonsils taken out, even though it was recommended starting when I was seven."

- Mental-Department89

Depending On Their Mood...

"My mom used to send me to my room depending on what mood my dad was in when he came home from work. She'd look out the window, and if he had a face on, she'd tell me and my sister to go into our rooms. He would take out his s**tty mood mostly on me."

"Due to this, I was alone a lot and I got very comfortable being alone and isolated. Even today, I prefer to stay home, and I have no problem entertaining myself. I have plenty of friends, mostly long-lasting, and I'm very social when I go out, but I prefer to stay home because I have a low tolerance for dealing with people's bulls**t."

"I have a great relationship with my dad these days. I came to realize that he was just young with the pressures of supporting a family and dealing with his own unaddressed trauma from his parents."

"He did have a temper problem, but that's not my fault, that's his. I refuse to blame myself for his actions, and that's how I dealt with it. It doesn't mean that getting whacked with a belt wasn't traumatic, but that's what he got from his dad. I actually felt bad for him as I got older and put the pieces together."

"I never hit my kids, and I never will. That cycle is broken. Be the parent you needed as a kid. I'm all about hugs, love, and support."

- dahjay

It's horrible to think about what some kids have to go through during the time that's supposed to be the happiest in their lives.

The worst part is realizing that many of these kids don't realize how bad they have it until they're in their thirties or later.

Knowing that parents like this will never own up to their mistakes just makes it worse. They either "won't remember" that happening, or they'll argue that "they never could have done that" and the story has been "exaggerated."

People who have been through it know: for them, it was a random Tuesday.