Sound the alarm.
Somewhere out there is a middle-aged man co-opting millennial slang.
The guy is destroying the modern age's most delicate balancing act: casual sex with no fear of judgment.
We're talking sexual references that take place in weird settings, all with an innocent smile on his face. Apparently for Reddit user CatDogBoogie, talking about the weather and avoiding eye contact just didn't quite do the job for hair cut etiquette.
The man got greedy and it cost him.
If his salon is like all the others, it's an absolute fact that this guy had several potions, tools and a sizable mirror to distract himself throughout the process. All those were not enough.
Instead, his pride went straight to his head and he acted like an inappropriate maniac without even realizing it. He shared his fumble in the subReddit "Today I F'd Up" or TIFU.
He kicks the story off by reporting that normalcy was lost from the get-go.
"First of all, my favorite hairdresser wasn't working and I had to settle for someone else."
"I didn't think much of it, the girl was young but had the most amazing blue hair so she must have known her craft."
To his credit, CatDogBoogie—or CDB—is a respectful fella. He admires good hair, rolls with the punches, and trusts an artist when he sees one.
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Unfortunately for everyone involved, the composed version of CDB was short-lived.
"Now I could immediately tell that there was a bit of a culture gap as I easily had more than 10 -15 years on her, but I tried to convince her I was still hip and relevant with my discussion topics, as all dads do."
The man was way out of his depth, he knew it and he still stepped into lands he had no business being in.
When the scissor-wielding blue-haired dynamo asked how he spent his weekend, CDB began to play with fire. For now, he would coast onward, unscathed.
"I told her that unlike my normal super cool awesome party weekends, the last one was for relaxing and visiting my in-laws."
Smooth, CatDogBoogie. Smooth.
But Blue Hair pressed him and asked what he and the in-laws got up to during their time together.
CDB, oblivious to the euphemism he was using, dropped an absolute bomb on his captive audience.
"I told her something along the lines of 'Even party animals like me enjoy something different every now and then. I just Netflix and chilled for a couple of hours with my wife's parents.'"
That's extremely gross, Cat Dog Boogie.
Things went south very quickly from there, unbeknownst to him.
"I should have realized something was wrong when my hairdresser turned silent for the rest of the appointment but I was too busy feeling pleased with myself on how I managed to impress the youth of today."
"I just paid her and left, conveniently ignoring what was probably a look of stunned disgust."
Even after informing his hairdresser that he has casual incest with his in-laws, this guy was still walking on clouds. The out and out bliss that ignorance provides is truly astonishing.
In response to CatDogBoogie's post, many other Redditors actually empathized with his plight.
"Yeah I got educated last night when I left the house to go to a meeting, and literally told my 17yo son and his female friend that they should 'Netflix and chill' because it's been a long rough day." u/Rhondadawitch
"Tbh, I too thought Netflix and chill meant chilling out and watching Netflix."
"I tell the barista quite often that I will be doing this when he asks what I have on for the day. Considering he knows I'm single, he must think I'm a real player" u/Kelly240361
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"Don't beat yourself up too bad, I remember once asking my sister and her 6 year old daughter if they wanted to join some Netflix and chill one time." u/Chestersmoke
"I legitimately never knew it was a euphemism. Man my coworkers must think I masturbate or bang my wife a lot" u/Toodyfish
Some others had creative ideas for him to dig a deeper hole.
"It will be funnier if during your next visit you use it in a way that implies that you do know what it means." u/Cracker77
"The key to a girl's heart is through her parents. Have sex with them and you're in!" u/alkonium
"You are probably a taking point at that hairdressers now."
"You can either come in and rectify it, adding to your legacy and earning their respect, or continue being the real motherfu**er." u/Divineinfinity
One user advised just packing it in and lambing it.
"Time to find a new hair salon... maybe even Canadian citizenship?" u/The_Guy03
And this one brought in some cutting edge streaming service euphemisms to add to the list.
"I prefer 'Hulu & Do You' Also an honorable mention for 'Disney plus & dirty touch'" u/gibbonshire
Despite his triumphant exit from the hair salon, still totally out of the loop on what he'd just said, CatDogBoogie was promptly brought back down to earth by his partner.
"Still riding the wave of Machismo, I told my wife the story and was rewarded with asmacktap tap on my badonkadonk, got called a dumbass and also a crash course in what the term actually meant."
@jessicachastain/Instagram
