You know how it is—you're just out here living your life and suddenly someone is attacking you with a machete. It happens to the best of us, right?
No? Well that seems to be the situation model and actor Julia Fox is living in, anyway.
The star has gone mega-viral on TikTok with an utterly bizarre tale she told of being, as previously mentioned, attacked with a machete out of nowhere.
The TikTok below starts out as a fairly standard video of a celebrity showing off the wildly expensive and deeply coveted Hermès Birkin bag she owns.
@juliafox #stitch with @prettycritical
Showing off the bag, a highly desirable status symbol for celebrities and ordinary rich people alike named after legendary English-French singer and actor Jane Birkin, Fox began:
"I love her, but she's been through a lot."
If you're like most people you probably assume she's going to talk about all the places she's taken the Birkin and all the events and trips and appearances it's made. Right? Well we cannot stress enough how wrong you are.
Giving a close-up of some damage to the bag's leather, Fox next said:
"She was actually attacked by a machete."
"I'm not kidding. That actually happened to this bag and me."
Fox then showed off other spots of damage to the bag, where it clearly appears to have been sliced by--well, a machete. As she put it:
"You can see a little bit from where the machete slipped and hit the side of the bag."
She then went on to say:
"I don't even know how I fu*king managed. You know I was holding on to this Birkin for my life!"
So if you're like most of us, you're on tenterhooks. What in God's name happened that Julia Fox was attacked with a machete?!
Well, we regret to inform you that that is where the video ends. It just... ends there! With no closure!
Eager to get to the bottom of this for us all, Paper magazine reached out to Fox to ask her what in the absolute hell happened here, but all she had to say in response was:
"I ain't no snitch tho."
She apparently added a shushing face emoji for extra impact.
Naturally, the whole internet has been left slack-jawed by this truly bizarre moment that only Julia Fox could pull off.
\u201conly julia fox would go on tiktok show off her $10K bag and say it got destroyed in a machete attack and then move on with her day without explaining\u201d— julia fox updates (@julia fox updates) 1666214578
\u201cOK WHO THE HELL MACHETE\u2019D JULIA FOX\u2019S BIRKIN ?!?\u201d— internet baby (@internet baby) 1666203418
\u201cImagine walking through dimes square and out of the corner of your eye you spy julia fox across the street fending off a crazed man wielding a machete with her Kanye birkin\u2026 I\u2019d think I was having a stroke\u201d— Paul McCallion (@Paul McCallion) 1666200982
\u201cJulia Fox\u2019s Birkin while getting attacked with a machete\u201d— j (@j) 1666212874
\u201cJulia Fox: and here is my Birkin bag that got attacked with a machete!\nThe fans:\u201d— big money salvia (@big money salvia) 1666330791
\u201cjulia fox machete bag is a priceless artifact that should be in a museum\u201d— adaya (@adaya) 1666248162
\u201cJulia Fox is on TikTok showing the machete slashes on her Birkin from the time she and her Birkin were attacked by a man with a machete. She will always be famous I\u2019m sorry\u201d— Ryan Houlihan \ud83e\udeb7 (@Ryan Houlihan \ud83e\udeb7) 1666215676
\u201cObsessed w julia fox\u2019s machete slashed birkin\u201d— puppy (@puppy) 1666202010
\u201ci need to see the footage of julia fox defending herself from a machete attack with her birkin\u201d— \ud83c\udd81\ud83c\udd79 (@\ud83c\udd81\ud83c\udd79) 1666276143
And there were even some theories about who it might have been that machete'd Fox's wildly expensive handbag.
\u201c\u2026where was she on the night that julia fox was attacked by a machete\u201d— pj\ud83c\udf44 (@pj\ud83c\udf44) 1666230964
\u201cJames Corden took a machete to Julia fox\u2019s birkin\u201d— K***** (@K*****) 1666307308
We wish Julia Fox's Birkin a speedy recovery.
NBC News via Lisa Anderson