People With Higher Sex Drives Than Their Spouses Explain How They Handle It

When you're "in the mood", as they say, your first inclination is usually to make a less-than-subtle pass on your partner.

The problem is that, though you might be "in the mood," your partner might not.

For many people, this isn't even a one-time occurrence.

Some people constantly find themselves feeling, shall we say "frisky", fairly regularly, while their spouse or partner almost never feels anything close to frisky any time at all.

Luckily, as with any dilemma, there are ways to circumvent this.

Redditor theboredbrowser was eager to hear how people with significantly more active libidos than their spouses handle this situation, leading them to ask:

"People who have a higher sex drive than your spouse, how do you navigate this?"

"You're getting a lot of joke answers, but I figure I'd speak, as someone who's actually had to overcome this issue."

"Fair warning, this takes commitment, love, and ** patience**."

"My wife (35 F[emale]) and I (40 M[ale]) have been married for about 10 years."

"Maybe 6 of those have been spent trying to answer this very question."

"The first two were easy because it's a new relationship and that's what you do."

"You have all the fun trying new things together."

"The next two years were spent figuring out that we had different sex drives, as all the 'new-ness' of the relationship dissipated."

"This manifested itself in a very difficult way."

"Arguments about sex started to become commonplace."

"She didn't want it nearly as much as me, and I was..."

"Well, quite honestly, ravenous in comparison."

"Saving you the drama of the entire journey, we eventually figured out that I wanted daily, she wanted maybe weekly, sometimes monthly."

"So obviously this wasn't going to work."

"Neither of us wanted the other to be disingenuous."

"Solving this issue took a ridiculous amount of time because talking about this was very difficult for both of us."

"Emotions would escalate, voices would get raised."

"Which brings me to the answer to your question."

"How do you successfully navigate this?"

"In order of importance:"

"Commitment - The most important."

"Nothing matters if you both are not willing to solve the problem as a unit."

"Exercise self-respect and forgiveness in your attempts to navigate each other's boundaries."

"Communication - The vehicle to your happy destination."

"How do you both navigate conflict?"

"Do you lift each other up?"

"Do you turn on each other?"

"Externalize the problem."

"Identify it as a challenge you both are working to overcome."

"Do not use vectors of attack against your own teammate."

"You get out what put in."

"So don't be a shitty a**hole about it, lest you deal with the cleanup."

"60/40 rule."

"Both partners put in 60% effort and expect 40% in return."

"Not everyday needs to be a win."

"Not every argument needs to be won."

"See above."

"Self-awareness."

"You have to be able to identify you're even having an issue."

"You have to be open to hearing that you need to adapt in order to make positive changes."

"If you're not willing to do anything different, you're not willing to change the outcomes."

"Those are the primary esoteric wisdoms that will help guide your path toward a solution."

"As far as specifics go, answer those basic questions: How often do I want it?"

"How often do they want it?"

"What's a reasonable compromise?"

"You may need to solve this problem more than once, but you only need to solve HOW you solve the problem once."

"My wife eventually kept an actual log of how often, who initiated, who finished, and many other metrics because that's what worked for her."

"That went away once we found an easy balance."

"Once we found an easy balance, the fun began creeping back in."

"Once the fun came back, the problem left. It might come back someday, but we have the tools to solve it now."- Unfinished_though

Who Says You Can't Have Fun On Your Own...

"I role play as my favorite 'Star Wars' character."

"Hand Solo."- BeefEater81

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As Long As There's Love...

"My wife’s sex drive is significantly lower than mine, but she also has a medical condition that doesn’t help."

"Largely if she’s not feeling it, even if she tries it can cause a lot of pain."

"Which is no good for anyone."

"I don’t blame her, in fact I have a tremendous amount of sympathy for her."

"I know she worries that it’ll impact our marriage, but I don’t let it. It’s not her fault."

"We have been trying to navigate the process since we are trying to have kids."

"I know it frustrates her just as much as it may be frustrating to me."

"Ultimately what matters most is that we love each other, and we have each others backs through thick and thin."

"That matters more to me than anything else."

"She shows her love to me in other ways."

"Lots of cuddling and other love language expressions that demonstrates her affection for me."

"Ultimately we make it work."

"It can be tough, but regardless I consider myself incredibly lucky to have this woman in my life."- paul_swimmer

Patience Is A Virtue

"In my case, just wait it out."

"Her sex drive has varied (slowly) over a wide range - sometimes much higher than mine and sometimes much lower - and at the moment due to health issues it's not even an option."

"But sex was never the most important part of our relationship; it's enjoyable but not critical."- Amiiboid

Three's A Crowd...

"Ménage-a-moi."- Rooby_Doobie

No Easy Answer

"I have a higher libido than my husband, and it’s hard."

"Whenever I initiate and get turned down, I feel unattractive."

"I can’t help it."

"He might explain he is tired, or already happened to jerk off, he might be stressed, etc. my first instinct is: he doesn’t enjoy sex with me."

"I’ve discussed it with him and took some breaks from initiating and left it up to him."

"We went through a phase of radio silence for months and then slowly he started initiating but not as much as I would like."-IcySetting2024

Get To The Root Of The Problem

"First make sure that something isn’t killing their sex drive."

"I’m not even talking medical stuff, which is valid, I’m talking emotional stuff here."

"For me, my husband destroyed my trust in him, then got mad because I wasn’t initiating often enough."

"Look inward and ask the big questions."

"Have real talks where you need to be ready to hear that you might not be as great or blameless as you think you are."-IAmThe1WhoPoopMouths

When At A Loss, Talk It Out!

"Communication!"

"I have a very high drive compared to my partner."

"It took a toll on me, to the point where I became depressed and my self-esteem struggled immensely."

"I heavily considered leaving."

"We talked, and talked, and she'd say she felt pressured, I'd say I felt undesired, and while what we both felt is very valid, I knew there had to be a middle ground."

"So I set out to find one."

"I wasn't giving up on us."

"I quickly learned that while we were talking, we weren't necessarily communicating."

"I read books, listened to podcasts, listened to online therapists, etc. I put in work, and while it was one sided, I knew that if I can package this information up in a way that was digestible to my partner, and workable in our relationship, we can find a way to work through this."

"If not, I've literally tried everything, and I was ready to then discuss a breakup."

"What I learned is that I had to first determine if:"

"This problem had a legitimate solution that benefited us both:"

"We can try everything, but if the disconnect is so deeply rooted that nothing works, then nothing will work."

"I also needed to understand that it's never going to be perfect for me, because 'perfect' for me wasn't perfect for her."

"My goal was to find something perfect for us."

"She was still attracted to me mentally, emotionally, and physically: you have to be, and stay, attractive in every sense of the word."

"Just like they do."

"This doesn't mean you have to stay on top of your diet, or you have to wear makeup every single day."

"You have to just stay attractive to your person, whatever that may be between you two."

"You also have to be open to hearing a point that needs work, and commit to working on that point, if you can."

"It very well could be that problem isn't just your partners drive, you could be the cause of it, and you have to be willing to hear, accept, and work on that without causing an argument about it."

"If you have to lose weight before your partner finds you physically attractive, it is what it is; work on it or leave."

"If you have to start helping out around the house, then you have to do it."

"If not, you have to decide if dishes are too much for you, and leave."

"She was also willing to work on a solution: this only works if both people are willing to work on it, and continue working on it."

"It takes both of you to develop and maintain a relationship, so the actual work can't be one-sided."

"We can develop a method that's practical for both of us: sometimes the solution isn't sexy."

"Sometimes the solution looks like 'hey, think you could be up for sex tonight?' which seems like it removes the romance at first, but you have to remember that sex is a natural need just like hunger is."

"You ask your partner if they're hungry, why not normalize asking if they're horny?"

"Telling your partner you're going out to dinner doesn't remove the romance of that dinner."

"You make the moment."

"If there's a 'no' to any of those, it's now on you to decide if you can work around that."

"If either of you aren't willing to actually put in, and keep up, the work, it's not going to work."

"For the low libido partner, they have to understand that it does take actual effort on their part."

"They can't just dismiss you every time and wonder why you are the way you are."

"When I ask my partner if they're in the mood when they're not, before she turns me down, she'll ask if she can help another way."

"I'm sorry babe, I'm not in the mood for sex."

"It's been a long day."

"Are you okay with an other action instead?"

"Your partner needs to realize that they also have to meet you halfway."

"There's hundreds of other things that can be done besides actual sex, that can still be intimate, sexy, and involve you both."

"But they have to be in to it, and also up for it."

"Or."

"I'm sorry babe, it's been a long day."

"If you don't mind waiting until tomorrow, I'm all yours!"

"Maybe they had a rough day and it's just not happening; schedule it."

"Again, it's not sexy at first, but when my partner and I decided to try this, we both agreed that if I initiated and was rejected, it's then up to her to initiate some time soon, and they have to follow through with it when they say they will."

"I'll stop rambling, but hopefully that helps someone!"

"I highly recommend reading Tongue Tied by Stella Harris."

"It's a great resource, and helped me a ton!"- The-Irk

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Two Sides To Everything

"As someone in this situation, for the higher drive partner is most often about something other than getting off."

"It's about the connection and intimacy and knowing that someone else cares about you."

"As a result there's a huge difference between having the lower drive person take a well this is just the way I am deal with it attitude and one where they care about the difficulties that the situation is causing even if ultimately there's not a whole lot of change."

"Obviously if it's a huge difference like one wanted once a day and the other is fine with once a year there's not a lot other than figuring out a way to have it happen more often."

"But often times if it's a smaller difference just having the lower partner understand and not try to make the other person feel bad for wanting more sex, the problem becomes a lot smaller."- Notwhoiwas42

Intimacy Comes In Many Forms

"If I start feeling like we’re going through a dry spell, I will bring it to her attention."

"For me, sex is a soul tie and is just so much more than just sex or a quick release."

"At least once a day or every other day we will do a method called 'intentional intimacy'."

"This can look like her just sitting in my lap facing me and we just touch foreheads and rub each others backs/heads maybe even kiss for a while."

"It can look like us sitting on the floor staring into each others eyes for 5-10 minutes with no words said."

"It’s very eye opening and can sometimes be better than the act of sex itself."

"Nothing will bring you closer to your partner than practicing this and it definitely helps with bringing the sex drive back."- Final-Reincarnation

Hands In the Air...

"Ultimately I just.... quit."

"I stopped desiring sex with my partner entirely."- manifestDensity

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Some Things That Go Down Must Come Back Up!

"Have you tired waiting until you feel unattractive, and unwanted?"

"That cured my high sex drive."- Educational-Fish9157

Compromise Doesn't Always Work...

"I’m the low libido partner and I hate it because I can see how it makes him sad."

"I have tried everything."

"We still do it, but he knows I don’t want to be there."- Prettyinpain

As many have pointed out, it doesn't always take two to reach "maximum pleasure".

But for many, the joys of sex aren't found in the "finale", but rather in the shared experience.

Complicated though it may be, no one can deny that this has to be one of the more entertaining departments in which to find common ground...