Redditor "Cheap-Door" asked "AITA for banning my brother from bringing his indian [girlfriend] to my wedding?" in the popular Am I the A**hole subReddit.
The incendiary title alone infuriated Redditors.
The original poster (OP) was cognizant of the "very bad and horribly racist" tone of the title, but tried in vain to clarify himself by delving into the details.
"So my brother (He's 25) has been dating an American-born girl to indian parents since last year (She's 23)."
"Her parents do not like their relationship because he's White and probably prefer her to find an indian man."
"He has been trying to gain their approval but failing and from what he said, they continue to shrug him off and actively exclude him if she tries to bring him to her family events."
"This has annoyed me because my brother is one of the nicest people I know."
Frustrated over the family injustice, the OP made the unilateral decision to punish his brother's GF with an ultimatum during a new development in his life.
"In the mean time, I proposed to my girlfriend and we're sending out invites to everyone. I came to the difficult decision that since his gf's family will not accept him, we will not accept her."
"I talked it over with my girlfriend and told her how strongly I feel about this and she agreed."
"I didn't want to spring this up on her, so I asked his gf if we could meet up and I sat down with her and explained that in good conscious, I could not invite her to our wedding if her family cannot accept my brother and I essentially boiled it down to 'if they don't want my brother, we don't want you.'"
"I told her she will be banned from all of our future family events until something changes with her parents in regards to my brother."
The talk did not go over well and further generated animosity.
"She got upset about it and this caused a huge divide in my family. My brother obviously is against it but I wanted to do it out of support for him."
"Other relatives agreed this was the right thing to do, but I've been seeking judgement from outside my family to gain a clearer perspective if I was being an a**hole in making this decision?"
Redditors castigated the OP for making the situation worse.
"Yta. Oh dear god. Why are you being so cruel? She chose your brother DESPITE her parents wishes and age is still choosing him."
"Why are you punishing her (and your brother) for the actions of her parents?!" – Financelady32
"And it will only make it harder for her family to accept theirs. I'd be willing to bet (not guarantee) that they'd be more comfortable with the relationship if they see her happy, loved, and welcomed into a kind family."
"I can guarantee, though, that this kinda bullsh*t from the family will only add to/deepen whatever it is they don't like about the relationship."
"Edit to add. OP, you really believe you're doing this to support your brother? You're causing major, absolutely avoidable issues in a very important and already complicated part of his life."
"Support him by, idk, supporting him!! Regardless of the end result of this relationship, you have proven to your brother that he can't count on you and he'll likely hold a lot of resentment towards you." – Speckyoulater
"Jumping in here to say it louder for OP in case he didn't hear it the first time."
"The girlfriend is literally going against her family's wishes to be with your brother."
"She is already scared and isolated and tensions are HIGH at home. She is also only 23 years old."
"Coming from a culture such as hers, family is everything. A 23 year old Indian girl does not have the same level of independence (emotional and financial) that a 23 year old girl of another culture does."
"Her parents are likely strict, and have, up until this point, had a lot of control over her and her life. She's going against everything she has ever known, for not just your brother, but your family."
"GIVE HER A BREAK. She's on your side! She agrees with you that your brother is worth fighting with her family over.... that's why shes doing it. Until she starts treating your brother poorly, you have no reason to add to her stress."
"There are huge cultural differences at play here, and if your family has any intentions of forming a relationship with the girl your brother/son/nephew is in (what sounds like) a committed relationship with, you all need to accept that."
"And you, OP, need to wake the eff up man. There is so much in this situation that you simply do not understand." – kkkbkkk
Some users suspected the OP was inherently racist.
"OP is probably a racist and doesn't like that his brother is dating an Indian girl. It's honestly they only way this makes sense." – nau5
"even in his replies he refers to her as his brother's 'indian girlfriend.' he can't get passed her ethnicity. this move on his part has diddly squat to do with his brother."
"'My brother obviously is against it but I wanted to do it out of support for him.' the mental gymnastics required to say this line is impressive." – jerkishbear
"Considering how many times he has pointed out she's Indian 'for context' in his replies, that is a fair assessment of the situation. Racism dressed up as concern." – judymcjudgerson
The OP said his brother was against his GF being banned from the wedding, but what else could he be feeling?
Reddit filled in the blanks.
"wouldn't be surprised if the brother decides not to go to the wedding and/or stop speaking to OP. I would be livid." – DragonsAreLove192
"Yeah, I would be absolutely livid if my (white) family banned my Indian partner from an event due to anything his family did."
"Admittedly, they wouldn't (and haven't), so it's easy to say I would, but I can't see myself sh*tting on an almost 6-year relationship just because someone doesn't approve of his family, whom they've never met." – thomasech
After taking quite the beating, the OP cleared that air by asserting his decision was not made on the basis of punishing "her or her family."
Nice try.
His vague explanation did not help his case when he offered to change his mind under one hideous condition.
"She still hangs around her family a lot and given that her family is disrespectful to my brother, I feel that makes her toxic and I do not want toxic people at my wedding."
"If she disowns her family then she can come."
Redditor "indecisive42069" was incensed over his update.
"what the actual f'k? You're saying that if she disowns her own family just because her parents don't like your brother she can come to the wedding? Oh how gracious of you."
"Seriously? Imagine your parents didn't like your significant other and your significant other's sibling is like 'yeah. Disown your family and you can come to the wedding. Your toxic for hanging around YOUR OWN FAMILY so disown them and we're good.' U kidding me?"
"Yeah it sucks that her parents don't like your brother, but that shouldn't f'king matter at the end of the day as long as your brother and his gf love each other and are in a healthy, happy relationship."
"Not to mention the strain your putting on you and your brother's relationship. God this makes my blood boil. You are absolutely, 100%, without a doubt TA."
"I really hope you listen to these comments and try to fix this. Bc I'd hate for you to lose your brother over this (since you do care a lot about him.... you just did the absolute wrong thing to show that)."
"Tagging onto that. OP, you're not inviting her f'king family, you're inviting her."
"FFS. Get your head out of your ass and actually support your brother in his relationship, before he and his GF decide to cut the toxic people out of THEIR lives, and f'k off away from the lot of you to be happy together by themselves." – Sageypie
The berating continued, with this user strongly encouraging him to change his position.
"OP is literally proving their point about not wanting their daughter to date a white American."
"Obviously the brother's gf doesn't share the same views as her parents and this action very well could make her start sharing them. I doubt she's that easily swayed, but that's how this type of thing arises."
"Never ever burn the one bridge you've got tying two things together, which in this case, is her. OP you've got to fix this ASAP, you've f'ked up and absolutely no one has benefitted from this." – Cmen6636
"Honestly, if this story is true, its probably too late."
"He already went to the gf and spewed all this bullsh*t (seriously, btw, WHY???). The gf is not gonna forgive that."
"Which means that no amount of smoothing over is going to help her forget that OP is a petty, vindictive douche who cares more about an eye for an eye than about his brother." — EtainAingeal
The gavel came crashing down with Redditors declaring the OP was the a**hole.
Here's hoping the OP comes around before his wedding.
Based on the general response in the comments, the only toxic energy he is worried about being present at the wedding is coming from the groom.
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