There are only three things certain in life: death, taxes, and family drama surrounding a wedding.
Sure, maybe it's nothing so dramatic as what happens in movies, but it is an important day, when emotions are high, and expenses even higher.
Something has to give.
It's time we return to our favorite board on Reddit, AITA. For those not in the know, AITA is short for "Am I the A**hole?"
Responses can vary, but are usually one of these:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA -You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - Not Enough Information
Let's begin.
Today's story comes from AgilePlantain, who needs our help. She and her fiancé are planning their wedding and figuring out how to handle a particular situation.
She says:
"My fiancé (27m) and I (26f) have been together for 8 years. we are planning our wedding for August next year assuming coronavirus has died down. I will call my fiance David and his sister Susie"
"The other day we went to visit his Mum and we were discussing guests when his mum said "Susie is really excited about it", this is when things got awkward."
Why would things be awkward?
Surely the groom's sister would be at the wedding, right?
Not exactly.
"Susie used to go through stages where she hated me and would be really nasty to me, in these times she would threaten me and would say really cruel and nasty things to me, bringing up my past with my mental health and childhood trauma, all things I told her out of confidence early on in my fiance and i's relationship when her and I actually really got along."
"She would make up lies about me to his other family members to try and get them to turn on me. The times when she likes me she wants to be the best of friends and do everything together."
"This went on for 2 years until I told him I couldn't handle it anymore and it was affecting me mentally, this is where I fully cut contact with her, and event though they lived together he barely spoke to her himself."
"Over the years I've seen her at his family functions and holidays. the first few times I ignored her but as the years went on I would speak very briefly, and my fiance never spoke to her."
Oh, that doesn't sound like the healthiest relationship there.
It's good AgilePlantain is taking the time she needs to avoid something that's triggering for her, but it does lead to an awkward situation.
Turns out, they aren't inviting the sister to the wedding.
"My husband said to his mum "we weren't planning on inviting her." his mum got really upset and said how we need to get over the past, and that she was family."
"I'm usually very submissive to her because I am paranoid about them all hating me, so she said to me "can't you just let her come?" and I stood my ground and said I agreed with David and we both didn't want her there so we don't feel the need in inviting her. She just scoffed at us and went to her bedroom so we just left, we haven't heard from her since."
"Now i'm starting to feel guilty and im thinking about talking to my fiance about inviting her"
And so, Agile Plantain asks our favorite question, are they the jerk here?
It's your wedding day. There's already a ton of things that can stress you out just from trying to ensure nothing goes wrong, so do you really need something else to worry you there? Also, family shouldn't be treating you like this.
Many on the subReddit said NTA.
"NTA, if it is what you and your partner agree on then that's your 100% your choice. You don't have to follow the "blood is thicker than water". It's your day and you both should be happy and comfortable and not worrying about someone neither of you like." - Candleman4
"NTA - also, the next time someone says "Well you need to forgive them, they're faaaaamily" reply with a simple "Correct. They are family, which is why I held them at a higher standard. I wouldn't forgive a stranger for treating me like that, so why would I when it's someone I knew intimately?"." - BrownSugarBare
"NTA and stand your ground! My fiancé and his sister hate each other and she has said some things over the past few years that I cannot forgive even though they weren't directed at me."
"I was able to firmly explain to my future MIL that this girl would not be in the wedding in any capacity, but we couldn't get away with not inviting her because of the additional family drama that would ensue. I know she won't ruin the wedding, but her just being there will bug me, so don't be like me! Stick up for yourself!" - tinymonalisa
"Yes that's my main issue as well. It's been many years so I don't think she will directly cause any conflict with us (other family members could be another story) but even just being around her just brings up old wounds as silly as it may sound. I can't really be bothered having that over my head on an already stressful day." - AgilePlantain
Family drama is something you're signing up for when you decide to marry someone.
Whether you and your significant other decide to acquiesce to the family, or stand your ground on divisive issues, you're still involved.
What you need to decide is what's worth fighting for, and when to pick your battles.
"NAH. Do whatever you want if your husband is on board, but here's the thing: this woman will be you're sister in law forever, and you will have to deal with her for the rest of your life."
"Therefor, it might be worth it to not commit a fairly significant insult against her that she may never be able to get over. This will insure she is nasty towards you possibly forever, and ruin any chance of a normal relationship with your in laws."
"Additionally, this will likely turn most of your husbands family against you. They will not be angry at him about this for too long, but you they may never forgive. He's on board, but his consequences will be lesser and shorter lived than yours for making this choice" - Quick_Struggle
"NAH, but if you guys do this then for sure your in-laws are going to hate you (not your husband). Your call."
"Frankly I'm not sure why you want to escalate this. Your husband ignores her, you ignore her, what are you afraid of at your wedding? It's not like she's in your bridal party." - RB1327
"That is a fair point, however when we were talking about it just us two he was the first one to say he didn't want her there. On one side I don't want my in laws to hate me but on the other side he doesn't want her just as much as me, so either way it will cause conflict" - AgilePlantain
It can be really easy to hear part of a story and decide you know what's best for someone else.
It can also be a little fun to give online strangers advice.
But sometimes, the person just needs to sit down and have a conversation with the heart of the matter.
UPDATE: Thank you everyone for your comments. Since I posted this a little bit has happened.
MIL called my fiancé and apologised for how she acted, she said she understands why we don't want Susie there. She also said the only reason she asked was because she really had nobody to go with. we both didn't even think of that factor, and now feel extremely bad.
She doesn't speak to her mother and father or either of her brothers, and she isn't with and doesn't get along with their father. After this we sat down and had a chat about what the best option would be and we decided to allow her to come so that MIL would have somebody to go with.
He decided to send Susie a message first, pretty much saying that we don't mind her being there and want no drama, also mentioned I would appreciate an apology. She replied and said it was all so long ago that there was no need to apologise, and she assumed we had all moved on but she would happily come.
Here's hoping there's no problems and we have a wonderful wedding.
AgilePlantain's future sister-in-law might not have given the perfect apology you would hope for, but things have settled down enough for mom's sake.
And it sounds like the sister-in-law is now aware of the fact the bride has an issue and maybe it will keep sister on her best behavior.
While many social situations might be easy enough to decide for or against, the best advice when you're unsure is to open lines of communication.
*If you enjoyed this article, you can read more like it by clicking on the AITA link below.*
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