Farmers Share Their 'How The F*** Did You Do That' Animal Stories

They make Plan B for horses?

"Worked at a stable with 53 horses and 1 donkey."

"One morning, while feeding, I came across an empty stall that hadn't been empty at 11 p.m. the night before. This stall belonged to a huge Fresian x Percheron stallion. The mystery was:"

"The stall door was completely closed and secure, and I was alone, so no one else would have taken him."

"How did this giant horse teleport out of his stall?"

"Well, we had small feed windows that some of the horses had learned to open with their mouths. This wasn't a big deal as we'd just latch them shut with clips. The openings were big enough for them to stick their heads out, but not really their bodies lol."

"His was open. So he actually somehow squeezed through the feed window, jumped maybe? I have no idea to this day how it happened..."

"But it gets better:"

"I had left all the mares outside overnight. My heart sank when I ran to the pasture and found him chasing/breeding with all the girls, like his own harem. He had a sexy fun night."

"It was a rough day having to parade all the mares past his stall to see if they mated, and then calling their owners to tell them their horses needed plan B."

behoovle

Liquid goats.

"Only have a small hobby farm, not a farmer farmer, but... It's always goats or cows, man. We took on a rehome goat to join our small mob of 5 Arapawa wethers. He needed to be introduced very slowly, because Arapawas are absolute bastards about the pecking order."

"We locked him up in a small stall in the goat hut, where the only gap was about 15cm between the roof of the hut and the top of the metal gate. The next morning, the locked gate was still there and the goat was not. Found him joyfully frolicking in the paddock with the others, because goats are a) contrarians and b) liquid."

"My favourite "how the f**k" moment was definitely our neighbour's cow. Old mate has been a farmer for 40+ years, and knows his s**t. He raises beef cattle as a side gig, and had selected a few of them for the meatworks. He hadn't had the bull in with any of the girls so none of them were in calf, and calving season was done anyway."

"But cows are too smart by half, so one of them decided to drop a calf an hour before the truck showed up to cart everyone off to the abattoir. Having an immaculate conception baby to get out of something you don't wanna do is a pretty boss move. Needless to say, she (and junior) got to stay home that day."

GossipForDogs

What a smart donkey!

"Had a donkey that would open gates. For the horses and cows. Then he'd just walk through the fence into a closed pasture. I'd get back from running errands and the place would be a s**tshow. The horses would be destroying the hay barn and the cows were in the neighbor's hay fields or tearing up the lawn. And the donkey is off on his own like he had nothing to do with it."

TheDukeOfDonkeys

Sneaky goat.

"I had a goat that would turn the barn lights off and on at night. No clue why he did it, and he always shut them off after turning them on. We weren't sure exactly WHO was working the light switch, but suspected it was him (he was a fairly bright individual, no pun intended)."

"It was confirmed that it was indeed Chevy flipping them on/off when we gifted him to a lady who fell in love with him when visiting the farm, and the lights have not been turned on by anything other than a human since."

crazyboergoatlady

How did she do that?!

"Grew up with horses. Had this one mare who was TOO smart. She would shove hay/objects under her water spigot and flood the barn if you did not pay enough attention to her. She had 4 locks on her stall because she figured out how to open all of them, including a caribeaner clip. On more than one occasion during the night, she would escape her stall, unlock all the other horses stalls and have a horse party till morning, when there's half a dozen horses in the garden eating the summer vegetables and another half dozen clip-clopping down the road, confusing motorists."

"Edit: wow, did not expect all the upvotes and love! thank you so much everybody!"

"More backstory - She is very much still alive and kicking at age 21, and has long since retired in her very own field with her best horsey friend in a very sunny climate and spends 90% of her time outdoors."

"Fun tidbit: she may be old, but still occasionally escapes, but now it is from her field, and what does she do? She goes to the barn, finds her favorite stall, closes the door behind her, and makes all kinds of noises until she is given grain."

droppingeves

Another very talented goat.

"I grew up on a farm. One year we had goats that were constantly getting out of the pen, which had a 6' fence. My dad built it up to 10', and an hour later they were out again. He puts up army netting over the top of the whole enclosure, looks out the window half an hour later, and a goat is walking along the top of the fence like it's no big deal."

Solobotomy

They didn't think this through.

"Cow on the roof. They climb ladders sometimes but can't get down."

sneakycurbstomp

"Born and raised in Nebraska and I learned they can climb ladders just a couple years ago when a friend kept ending up with one of hers on her garage. It still kind of blows my mind."

TinyGreenTurtles

Cattle-proofing is apparently a thing.

"A mob of yearlings somehow carried an old tractor cab (no longer attached to the tractor obviously) 1/4 mile across a paddock. It was heavy enough we had to use the loader to put it back again."

'Also a steer wearing an old tyre like a necklace. He could have shaken it off at anytime, but he chose not to. Cattle-proofing your yard is harder than it first appears."

Sweetsugarcrisp

Bad kitty.

"I saw a barn cat successfully take down and kill a wild turkey. To this day, I still can't believe my own eyes."

farmallnoobies

Barncat

" Weird barncat story, go! My grandpa 'had' a barncat named Mickey, who would attack anything or anyone who got too close. My grandpa would tell us whenever we visited not to get near it. 'That's not a pet, it's a mousetrap.'"

"I was 6-7 and accidentally walked too close to it and it went full-bats**t-throttle. Darted right at me. I had never been so scared in my life....and then my mama-bear mom intercepted it. We didn't see him for a couple days. Mom was worried she'd actually killed him. But luckily (?), he shows back up, mean as ever...."

"...except to my mom."

"He would walk right up to her and morph into the sweetest little guy you've ever met. When we'd have fires outside each night, he'd stroll in, hiss at everyone, then lay down on my mom's lap. Taking a hike? He followed her. Drive to the market? Guess who would be waiting in the dirt driveway."

"We found her reading on the hammock one afternoon, with Mickey right on top of her. Fast asleep. Mickey died before our next visit. But my grandpa loved telling that story: 'The noble savage finally made a friend.'"

KayWayJay

That's some dedication.

"Grew up on a farm. We had a ram, of the big curly horns variety. You don't want lambs to be born midwinter when conditions are harsh and feed is short, so you keep the ram away from the ewes except when the timing is right."

"This ram could smell ewes in heat, on the other side of a very sturdy door made entirely from 2x4 and held by heavy-duty hinges. Deadbolted, of course."

"He spent several days and nights repeatedly headbutting that door, just running at it full tilt every few seconds. One morning we found a broken door, and a very happy ram amongst exhausted ewes who could barely stand on their feet. A literal battering ram."

BoredCop

Gorged

"Largest muscovy drake we had broke into the juvenile chicken coop, through a door that was way too small for him, and gorged himself on their high-protein feed. He couldn't get back out."

dexx4d

Oh Goat

"One of my neighbors called me to let me know she had come home to find one of my young goats (like 5 months old) inside her house down the road. To this day we have no idea how the fuck that happened... no holes in either layer of fencing on my end, no other people in her home who could have brought him in there."

"She had no pet door and none of her doors was ajar when she got home. She did however have a few open windows on her second story so we are thinking maybe he climbed a tree next to her house and jumped? But goats usually aren't very graceful or precise creatures so no clue how honestly."

Quinnley1

she lives here now...

"Our cat was a stray that someone dumped, and she hung around our place for a while before we actually took her in. During that time, my grandma had gotten her hip replaced, and her nurses were worried she might trip on the cat while trying to get in the car for physical therapy appointments, so my grandma decided to let one of the nurses take the cat to the humane society."

"Which was at least a few miles away, down many busy streets and a highway. Two days after she took the cat there, I opened the door, and the cat was sitting right on the front stoop, looking peeved off. My grandma let her in, and said 'Okay, she lives here now.'"

White_Wolf_Dreamer

For the AC

"We had a bottle calf that would get out of his hut. He cleared the 5 foot fence like it was nothing. The weirdest part is that he only did this when we were late to feed him. He'd then go to the garage door, open it up and come inside the house. He'd hang out in the AC for a little before he started bawling because he was hungry. Once we mixed up his milk he'd go back outside and hop back in his pen to get fed. Scared me everytime because feeding time was 6am but he usually came inside around 530."

TheMarkiestMark77

Moooo...

"My dad had a few cows and they would always get out and go to my aunt's house. Finally he realized that one of the cows used her 1 horn to lift the latch on the gate. So he chained the gates closed. Then the bull figured out he could get his head under the chain linked fence and could just stand up, creating a huge hole in the fence, and letting all the other cows out again. Needless to say, if Angus cows want out they're getting out."

annaf93

Trainwreck

"My grandparents had a dog who was immortal. He got hit by a train twice, kicked by several cows, they lost count of how many cars he got hit by, all of that and all he was missing was a leg. His most incredible feat was somehow ending up in Minnesota from their place in Manitoba a good 500km away, my grandparents only found out because a friend of theirs saw him."

Rhamblings

Broke the Code

"Not a farmer, but my pet goat once opened my password-locked safe. I don't know how, or why."

wip43196

Latch Dog

"Had a dog that would find ways out of her kennel somehow. Never escaped while we watched though. Finally, my brother and I hid around the corner of the house to see what she did. She went to the latch, pushed it up with her nose, opened the door, then turned back around to shut and re-lock the door. They’re one of the smartest dog breeds for a reason!"

Kuchenkrusher

I hate that freaking goat!!

"A pair of goats kept escaping their pasture to graze on the lawn outside. I was furious with my staff because the only reasonable explanation was they weren't shutting the gate properly. After about the 4th or 5th time they escaped I set up a stake out and discovered one of the goats found a spot on the fence between two horizontal boards where a small notch was cut out."

"The small notch provided just enough space for one of the goats to get her head through, she then slid her head over 3 feet to the gate and repeatedly licked the latch until it was unlatched and then slid back to the notch pulled her head out and pushed the gate open. I hate that freaking goat."

High_Poobah_of_Bean

Animals are capable of amazing things.