When resentment builds up between people, things can suddenly boil over at a moment's notice.
That's what happened with Reddit user pssthlp after his wife tried to use their trans son's transition as an excuse for her behavior.
So he turned to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) to ask if he was wrong for the way he reacted, asking:
"AITA for calling my wife lazy and a terrible mother?"
The original poster (OP) explained how his wife's behavior had been changing over the years.
"This is my first time posting so excuse me for any mistakes I make. I'm a 57 year old male, and my wife is 51 year old female, we've been married for 28 years and have one son together that is 25."
"She's a stay at home wife, she never worked a day after we got married since I inherited a company that had been in my family for many generations so money was never a problem and we lived more than comfortably."
"When our son was little she took care of him and the house. Now that he's an adult the chores are the only thing that she does, she used to take on writing but gave up because she said that it's not as easy as she thought."
"Now I don't consider myself sexist or that woman belongs in the house with kids, this was her choice because she never liked to work. The problem is I work long hours and expect to at least have a dinner after the long day."
"We have a housekeeper that comes over twice a week so her responsibilities are basically cooking and smaller chores. She stopped cooking and doing things lately because she doesn't feel like doing it. She spends her days hanging with her friends and shopping."
But it was her reaction to their child's transition that really set off the OP.
"Also our son was born as a female and my wife always wanted a daughter, when he came out as trans she threw a fit and was unsupportive, I paid for his surgery and he transitioned."
"She was never as caring towards him as before and uses wrong pronouns and his old name all the time."
"The other day I came home and she didn't do anything the whole day and I snapped, I told her that I'm sick of her not doing anything while I'm providing for our family ( My son is also still in college, and I pay for all of his expenses and apartment because I want him to focus on school)."
"The argument went on and she decided to throw in my face how it's my fault she lost her daughter."
"This really socked me and I told her that she is lazy and also a terrible mother for talking as if her child is dead when we have a perfect and healthy son."
"I am at a loss, half of family members are siding with her, half with me (including our son), she called me an a**hole and went to stay with her sister."
"Was I the a**hole? I'm seriously considering divorce."
The OP added a few more details after writing his initial post.
"Edit: thank you for everyone commenting I just wanted to clear up that my son has been out since he was 14 and had his surgery 5 years ago."
"Another edit: few of you questioned my son siding with his mom, I don't know how you got that but my son is definitely on my side (even tho he doesn't know the full story)."
Redditors then weighed in with one of the following verdicts:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Reddit pretty unanimously declared him NTA.
"NTA, I can't believe your marriage has lasted this long based on what you've said."—marks31
"I'm still wondering how you managed to stick with this woman for 28 years..."
"NTA."—returnofthebob
"NTA."
"Thank you for being the supportive parent many LGBTQ+ children dream of."—mashourmasher
"NTA. Thank God your son has you, you're a great parent. Your wife unfortunately is awful. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this but please know your son is so lucky to have a supportive parent, you're doing great."—loboloca
It sounds like the OP's wife might be in need of some serious help.
"Have you tried to talk to her about therapy? It sounds like shes not handling your son's transition well. Not that that is an excuse for her actions towards or speaking about/to your son in that matter but I know that some people just dont handle any change very well."
"Considering shes always been a SAH, that could be an indication that shes that type of person. Also, thank you for being so d*mn supportive of your child."
"Edit to add: Son has been out of the home for 7yrs, and out of the closet for 11yrs and mom has never been accepting. Mom is TA! Therapy might help but a**holes rarely care to change."—lizzyote
"Apart from the transition, she may also feel useless now that she doesn't have a child to care for anymore. It's possible she's spiralling into a depression. Not that this exonerates her from being unaccepting to her son."—Textlover
"I'm trans as well, my mother sounds a lot like your wife. She denies it, uses the wrong name and pronouns. She threatened me when I first told her at 14, that if I ever came out to everyone else they'd all hate me and leave me."
"When I finally did come out she 'grieved her daughter' because now everyone else knows and she can't hide me anymore. I tried getting her to come to therapy, I was willing to work with her through her issues and pain."
"But she denied it, she just wanted to be angry. Through my Dad, I learned that she blames herself for this, that it's her fault there's 'something wrong' with me."
"Get your wife into counseling."
"Yes, she's being selfish and transphobic, but there might be a chance if you get her to a therapist who can explain what transitioning means to us. This may be hard on her, in ways we can't simply understand."
"I told my mother that if she ever wanted to reconcile and go to therapy with me I'd be happy to renew our relationship. Hopefully your wife takes the offer and gets help for her issues, this seems to go beyond transphobia."
"NTA, btw."—CassiopeiaFoon
The OP needs to figure out if his relationship is salvageable.
"I think you both should go get some kind of therapy, whether that be family, marriage, and/or individual."
"But if I were you, my line in the sand as a family unit would be that she has to start respecting your son and treat him better, because what she's doing is causing disturbance in the peace of the family unit."
"However she goes about reconfiguring her emotions about the issue, she has to go through that process. No ifs, ands, or buts about it."
"As for her not doing anything for the household, my line in the sand for that would be 1) she gets a paying job; 2) she volunteers full-time for a charity; 3) you both share in the household chores."
"But she cannot spend all day socializing and shopping, especially if she's the cause of tension in the house and in the family unit."
"NTA for wanting a better home life overall, but you should practice better and regular communication so that you don't blow up all at once when you finally snap."—WaDaEp
Regardless of what direction the OP decides to go with his marriage, he can rest assured that sticking up for his trans child was the right thing to do.
