Dating is supposed to be a fun experience, but sometimes, we just don't have it in us to participate in a full relationship.
That doesn't mean that we don't still want to connect with someone, at least physically.
But for some people, it can be really hard to draw the line between having a friend with benefits (FWB) and becoming something more.
Taking notes, Redditor LiuChangMing asked:
"People with friends with benefits, how do you guys not develop feelings towards them?"
Indirectly A Rebound
"Not over my ex and want to be transparent about not wanting to date."
- dirtbag4life
Emotionally Guarded
"I could never be FWB before I had my heart broken, without developing feelings. Once I had my heart broken, I’ve never ever developed feelings for another."
"I can sleep with them, have an absolute ball with them, and do all sorts of things that would be considered romantic, yet not catch feelings. It’s nothing to brag about though, I want more than anything to feel them again."
- Blinglez
Small Deal Breakers
"Man here. For me personally, it all comes down to compatibility. If I know the person I am sleeping with would be an awful girlfriend, it makes it impossible for me to develop feelings."
"In my opinion, once you start saying to yourself “hmm I could potentially see my self dating this person” you’re probably cooked."
- Br0ther_Blood
"Exactly. There’s usually a dealbreaker or something about their personality that I can only take in small doses that keeps me from crossing into having feelings. But the sex is okay or great and you have to actually like them as a person. It’s the perfect arrangement when you want to remain single."
- cactusboobs
Not #RelationshipGoals
"Because we were compatible only as friends and f**k buddies, we would not be compatible as a couple."
- Acceptable_Humor_252
Just Annoying
"When you're enjoying the benefits, it's fine, but overall I find them annoying and caring at the same time."
- catz85
"I used to think this way about a chick, but then I pictured having a child with her and dealing with her for the rest of my life. I cut ties with her immediately."
- WhiskinDeez
"Yeah... I had someone I was dating. She kept asking about being official and in my head I thought, 'Yeah, we should!'"
"But I imagined having her meet my parents and having kids together, etc., and I broke up with her very quickly after that. Not out of spite at all, more just I thought it wasn’t fair to her to keep seeing her once I had realized."
- geminiwave
On The Same Page
"I’ve had a couple over the years and I would say that they were successful because whilst the sex was super fun and we both got on really well, we both were on the same page that we didn’t have the potential to be in a serious relationship for a variety of reasons, like commitment issues, incompatible lifestyles, other priorities, etc."
"So while I would consider these people my genuine friends, there weren’t romantic feelings involved because I knew there was no potential for the relationship to go any further than what it was."
- parmesanpickletoast
A Slippery Slope
"I tried that. After a while, I wanted everything. The cuddles and staring after sex, became too much."
- Delicious_Injury9444
"I told my FWB I was falling for her and she (smartly, in hindsight) called it off because she knew it wasn't fair to me."
"I lied to her and myself and said I was fine with it, just so I could continue to be with her. It was several months of the worst kind of emotional torture. I was miserable every second I wasn't physically with her because I was so insecure."
"I knew the rules; we weren't officially together. And it killed me and I was constantly afraid she'd find someone else. Eventually she acknowledged some feelings too and we ended up dating for four and a half years."
"So overall I guess I'd say it was a mixed bag."
- DouchecraftCarrier
No-Gos For Relationships
"Once you have a fair amount of experience with relationships, you are able to recognize personality traits that make a person a no-go for you for relationships."
"Only become FWB with people who are no-gos for relationships."
- xpatmatt
Not Local Enough
"We both know we want to raise kids in our home countries, so it just isn’t worth moving things forward."
"We found that out pretty early when dating, so neither of us ever developed a sensation of love. These days we’re content on enjoying company together on occasion and just being good friends to one another."
"In short: good, honest communication."
- DeathByLemmings
Honor The Feelings
"Friendship and horny are both feelings."
"The reason you don't fall into an exclusive relationship is because either A. Been there failed that, 2. Already know how that's going to turn out and don't need to ruin the current balance, or alternatively, you're both in a state of self repair but are also really good at satisfying the other's need physically/emotionally during that healing phase."
"You can love someone and not want to be life partners. You can love someone and not like them. You can have a mutual, safe, emotional-physical space with someone and know that it's temporary."
- teddehyirra
Unhappily Ever After
"I’ve had several over the years. It always ended with someone developing feelings. The ones that lasted the longest were when we hooked up very infrequently (once every few months)."
"The times that we got into too much of a routine (weekly or every few days), it always lead to attachment and someone wanting more."
- chesquayne
No R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
"The only time I’ve ever successfully had a friend-with-benefits situation where things didn’t end in a raging dumpster fire was when I genuinely kind of disliked the guy."
"I guess I should say, I didn’t dislike him per se, but I didn’t really respect him."
"He was fun to hang out with socially, really good in bed. But he was a small time drug dealer/f**kboy and I knew immediately he was not boyfriend material or anyone I would ever date, so it was easy to not get attached and respond to him only when I felt like it."
"We went our separate ways with no drama once it stopped being convenient, we are still friendly, and I hold zero animosity toward him. But is it really healthy to be having regular sex with someone you actively dislike? …Unclear, lol (laughing out loud)."
- cheerfulsarcasm
That Escalated Quickly
"I used to have a friend with benefits, many years ago… she’s my wife now and we have two kids… so I mean, I guess I don’t know the answer to your question…"
- GrepekEbi
"Do you still have benefits?"
- math-yoo
"Not if the kids are little. Little kids are c**k blockers."
- ronaldduckjr
Sometimes It's Impossible Not To
"I seriously always, always catch feelings… That's why after many years of minor heartbreaks, I learned over time that I’m not a friends-with-benefits kinda girl… and that’s okay… Not everyone is."
- Klutzy_House_9475
Or You Have To Be Dead Inside
"Be hopelessly in love with someone who you know you can’t have, that way you remain emotionally dead inside and can just focus on the here and now and having fun with a FWB."
- emf3rd31495
"Yeah, the trick is to be emotionally dead inside."
- halfdead1980
For someone interested in connecting with another person during the quiet time between relationships, they might want to rethink a friends-with-benefits situation, just because most of these Redditors admitted that it's practically impossible to keep the feelings in clean, uncomplicated lines.
Mount Sinai Medical
@Acyn/X