Couples who have been in long-lasting relationships for years and thought they were in it for the long haul sometimes find that things don't always pan out the way they initially hoped. Many perpetually single people envy couples who've been together for years, but they don't always know what happens behind closed doors.
Perceived successes in long-lasting relationships aren't always as they seem. They can sometimes be a facade to cover up conflict or underlying resentment or they're delaying news of an inevitable breakup to save face.
Clarity only comes afterward, when people who were previously in love with each other go their separate ways. Only then are they able to take what they learned and implement the lessons for healthier relationships in the future.
These notions were explored when Redditor lostinheaven1 asked:
"What’s a bitter life lesson you learned from your longest relationship?"
Healthy relationships aren't always as they seem to an observer.
Failed Expectation
"Loving someone the way you wish to be loved doesn't guarantee they'll reciprocate in the same way."
– deebee_running
"Loving someone the way you wish to be loved doesn’t guarantee it’s how they want to be loved."
– Caprottiblack
"This is what I was going to say. You are not supposed to love someone the way you want to be loved. You need to love them the way they like to be loved - which you learn through communication."
"So both you and him/herprobably didn’t feel loved properly because your love language languages aren’t the same and so trying to love each each other in your own love languages does not work."
– chelsicamiel
Actions Speak Louder
"What people do is a million times more revealing than what they say."
– SunBusiness8291
"One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever heard:"
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
– SortedN2Slytherin
"When you're around someone regularly, you will see who is generally honest and trustworthy and who is not. Who keeps their word and who does not. I keep the honest people around and distance myself from the others."
"If someone betrays your trust once or twice, forgive them, if it's a larger pattern of behavior, time to leave (or spend massive amounts of time and effort trying to repair the behavior which usually doesn't yield great results)."
– mikew_reddit
We Have Our Faults Too
"You can't trust anyone 100%, not even yourself."
– danny_llama
"I'm fortunate Stone Cold Steve Austin taught me this when I was 11 years old."
– F'kYouThrowaway99
Observe The Signs
"I learned that you should always trust your gut. There were so many red flags that I failed to acknowledge."
– Any_Extreme7269
"My longest relationship was also my first. I didn't realize they were red flags at the time because I had no experience. Looking back on it now, it's obvious things weren't going to work out."
– esoteric_enigma
"I’ve only had an extremely strong gut feeling once in my life, and it was telling me to run from a relationship with someone who turned out to be pathological in a lot of respects, but was very very charming."
"Yes. Listen to your gut. It’s picking up on things you’re not consciously paying attention to."
– gphs
"This came into play for me not so long ago. I met someone i was very attracted to, but something seemed off. There were some obvious red flags, but something just told me that he was even more sinister than what I could see."
"Younger me would have been curious to find out what he was hiding or how dark it could get. I would have thought that I could handle it. That I could walk away from it."
"Older me knows to put that grenade down and back away slowly. And I did."
– VivelaVendetta
These people thought they knew their significant other, but it turns out, they didn't have a clue until it was too late.
Deception
"Some people are capable of lying with a completely straight face for a loooooooooooooooong time."
– NomadicShip11
"Laughing at jokes that hurt my feelings is a skill I learned early."
"I didn't expect it to be one of the biggest issues with communication in relationships."
"Taking little hit after little hit until it all comes out during an unrelated argument."
"I really dislike it about myself and it's one of those things that stays buried even in therapy.. hard to confront the behavior when I forget it happens."
"It's embarrassing."
– Numerous_Witness_345
The Ruse
"People can keep up a façade for a pretty long time… Years even."
– heyitsvonage
"Sort of related to that, people can change drastically over time and hide that change. That change can include their once staunch honesty morphing into duplicity."
"I was left with a serious disconnect remembering her as she was when we met and had three kids and seeing who and what she had become and remains."
– BoosherCacow
The Close Call
"Talk about your end of life wishes early, sh*t can go wrong way earlier than you think it will."
"My husband had a near-fatal brain hemorrhage, and when it was looking like he wouldn't pull through, I had to make a lot of decisions without knowing what his wishes were because we'd only been married 18 months and thought we'd have plenty of time to figure those things out. He thankfully made an excellent recovery, but it was a scary time full of uncertainty."
– KittikatB
Wisdom comes from pain.
The Aftermath
"Closure is not real & you need to find a way to settle with that within yourself."
– thrwawaylolol
Peace And Closure
"My dad and mom divorced when my sisters and I were really young. Mom cheated on him behind his back because 'he wasn't a good husband.' My dad was fortunate enough to have gotten majority custody, raised us and helped us grow. He was and IS an excellent father and man. Everyone in my life has told him exactly that: 'You're a great father and great man.' "
E"veryone is civil even after the divorce. My parents are cordial and can be in the same room, share old stories, even ones when they WERE married..."
"But, just last year (30 years later), my dad asked my sister and me 'do you think it would be weird if I asked mom what I did wrong? Why I was a bad husband...' We obviously knew it had nothing to do with wanting to get back together, but he continued to say, 'I really feel like I would like that closure.' "
"I remember hearing someone say, 'You can have 27 people give you a compliment in a row, and you start to believe it. But it only takes one person's negative comment to change your mind.' "
"I told him that and said, 'Mom is only one opinion. You have 30 years' worth of family, friends, and even strangers confirming that your character shines through outside of her own comment. You don't need her closure to know you're a good man. You're a good man because you are.' "
Having The Tough Conversations
"Communication is vital, and neglecting it lead to misunderstandings and resentment. Over time, failing to express feelings, needs, or concerns can create distance between partners, making it harder to reconnect."
– CraveYourGoddess
"Communication is also a 2-way street. I think I'm good at communicating in the way I would like someone to communicate to me. This is not necessarily the way that my husband likes to be communicated with, and that's important."
"I'm very direct and prefer to address issues in the moment as they come up. My husband prefers to take a beat and talk about things later after some time to process. This is just one example, but it took us some practice to realize this about each other and work to meet in the middle."
– tsugaheterophylla91
It's Not Up To Us
"You cannot fix the other person’s childhood trauma and the first time they let you know they’re not interested in getting help, believe them."
– kokomundo
Power Of Friendships
"The love most friendships have is greater than most romantic relationships. You can talk every day and say you love each other, but then she can break up with you through text for no reason and you never see each other again."
"The friend you watch sports with or whatever will still be stoked to see you ten years from now."
– JackYoMeme
Oil And Water
"I learned love alone can't fix deep incompatibilities."
– SeductiveRima
"Yup just because you’re in love with someone, doesn’t mean you’re right for each other."
– DistinctPassenger117
From past relationships, I've learned to be cautious about giving too much of yourself to appease the other person or maintain romantic stability. When you neglect yourself or don't love yourself enough, you won't give your significant other an incentive to stay with you because you've gradually turned into a shell of yourself.
At the risk of being selfish, take care of yourself as well before caring for the other person. Because you're important too.
