Not Your Mom

"When I was in high school, one of my classmates gave our teacher a typical 'your mom' response to a question without realizing the teacher’s mother had just died."

"Without missing a beat, the teacher said, 'Leave my mother out of this. I don’t make fun of your parents, and look what they produced.”

- HopeDeferred

Adoption Jokes Not Welcome

"I was playing 'Pavlov' (a virtual reality game) with a group of people, one of which was this very annoying kid who kept saying something like, 'You're bad because you're adopted,' and stuff like that."

"He did that to one dude, and the guy replies something like, 'I'd return the insult, but that'd imply someone wanted you.'"

"Had the whole lobby erupting. I don't know if it's taken from somewhere or what."

- ClaireBear13492

Underestimated by the Teacher

"Teacher of mine once said to a classmate who kept making the most asinine contributions to the conversation:"

"'You make it really difficult to underestimate you.'"

"The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment."

- robbycakes

Jeez, Dad.

"16-year-old me trying to convince my dad to take my friends and I to see 'American Pie':"

"Dad: So what is it about?"

"Me: A group of high school friends trying to lose their virginity."

"Dad: I can stay home and see that."

- Theromented1

Based on Real Life

"I once asked my cousin if he watched the tv show 'Desperate Housewives,' and he said, 'No, I’m married to one."

- InourbwotamI

The Joke Will Go On

"I remember when 'Titanic' came out. My grandma, my mom, and I were getting ready to see it."

"My grandpa said, 'Don’t know what the fuss is about. I can tell you what happens, the boat sinks. The end.'"

"Lol (laughing out loud). Maybe it was his delivery, but it cracked me up."

- a7xbarbie

So, Anyway...

"The best one I've heard was, ''I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.'"

- scottcree486

Seems Pretty Complicated

"I overheard someone tell someone else, They’d need a recipe for making ice cubes."

- thepiecesaremoving

An Insult for an Insult

“You’re not the dumbest person I’ve ever met, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”

- Trick-Reveal-463

"And I have the best response for that: 'Well then, I will pray for your health.'"

- Maria_506

New Take on the Clown Car

"I saw a bunch of quite pretentious people getting out of a limo at a club and pretending they’re more than they are to get in ahead of the line."

"The bouncer quipped, 'I can always tell clowns, all arriving in the same car.'"

- preferablyoutside

Signs of Aging

"Some bouncers are brilliantly witty, I assume it comes with working in a job where you have to deal with drunk a**holes all the time."

"A few years ago, I got IDed to enter a bar. I'd recently started buzzing my hair due to hair loss, yet my photo driving license had me with a thick full head of hair from several years before."

"The bouncer looked at the card, then me, and then said, 'Haven't you forgotten something?'"

"I was confused. He then showed his colleague, who nodded and said, 'Yeah mate, you've definitely forgotten something.'"

"Then he pointed to his head."

- Squeaky_Lobster

Good Luck Getting a Job

"You've got a face for radio, and a voice for writing."

- mike_e_mcgee

Girl Quips

"From 'Golden Girls':"

"Blanche: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a long, hot, steamy bath, with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms."

"Sofia: You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?"

- LissaMasterofCoin

Randomness Wins

"Context aside, someone once told me I look like I go to the park to punch birds."

- TheRoamingWeeb

While it can feel terrible to need to be around negative people sometimes, there's hope knowing that there are some things we can say that are funny and that will relatively put them in their place.

Now if only some of us could think of the comeback at the moment when it's useful...