"So there's a sliding door..."

So there's a sliding door in my parent's house that my brother is famous for never closing after he goes through despite my parents insisting that it stay closed to prevent drafts. The other day, my brother walks through and doesn't shut the door as usual. Dad pipes up:

Dad: That door ain't an assh*le, you know?

Brother: huh?

Dad: it doesn't shut itself every time a piece of sh*t comes through.

All of us, including my brother, instantly started laughing our asses off at that one.

mydreamturnip

"High school debate teacher walked past me..."

High school debate teacher walked past me and a friend lounging in the hallway and said, "Good morning Salem and Friend. I drove past a pile of trash this morning and managed not to think of you."

And then he walked away.

SalemScout

"Step-dad..."

"I've seen better arms on a chair."

Step-dad absolutely crushing the dreams of a friend who had been working out trying to put on muscle.

Shaggy_Neapolitan

"A friend asked..."

I'm slightly overweight.

A friend asked where i was and someone replied, "Probably stuck in a door somewhere."

Even I couldn't stop laughing.

Rhizie7

To which this person replied...

Hopefully you didn't open your mouth while chewing bonbons.

buhba

"The most creative one I've ever heard..."

As an Irishman, the term "gobshite" holds a special place in my heart.

The most creative one I've ever heard, though was from my stepfather's uncle the first time we went out to meet his family in Texas when I was 13. I'm a ginger, but freckles only really come out in the sun. When they come out I don't just have freckles I have Freckles. Obviously spending the summer in in the middle of TX, got quite a lot of sun. This lovely, jovial, redneck man took one look at me and said "Goddamn, son, you look like a pig farted on you through a screen door."

This was a decade ago, and I still have never gotten over the sickness of that burn.

drunkinabookstore

"A pretty strong opinion..."

(Heated discussion at an editorial meeting)

BRITISH REPORTER: "A pretty strong opinion from someone whose last book read was 'Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day.' "

AMERICAN REPORTER: "Hey man...At least I read the book. You waited for the movie. "

AinLOSANGELES

"Not heard..."

Old lady who was nasty to everyone and reveled in insulting and shaming relatives or friends and always got away with it coz no one ever dared tell her off.

OL to girl A: Wow! You gained weight. What a shame coz otherwise you'd be pretty.

OL to girl B: You're getting old. Why aren't you married? Can't find a date? Maybe something is wrong with you.

OL to me: You look tired. You should be... (I cut her off before she could finish)

Me to OL while giving her a hug: OMG! It's so good to see you! I didn't realize you were still alive!

She looked at me incensed but unable to speak and walked away. She didn't insult anyone else during that gathering.

SeraphimFire79

"Pretty damn sure..."

My husband and I talking with some guy at a gay bar. Pretty damn sure we didn't know him from Adam. He insisted that we had met him in the past.

He says, "How can you not remember me?"

Hubs: "Don't take it personally, I've forgotten people far more memorable than you."

YourFairyGodmother

"There is this really old guy..."

There is this really old guy (in his 70s) and this really really annoying guy that work with me. One day the annoying guy ran off some where and the old guy in passing was like "Hell, if you gave him a crayon he'd probably eat it".

It was one of the best things I've heard someone say, his delivery made it better. He was just so over it.

MangoMambo

"I was in a bodega..."

I was in a bodega with these terrifyingly popular looking teen girls, and one of them snapped at the other, "Ok, how about talk to me when your ankle socks match."

Like...the SPECIFICITY made me want to die just having received contact burn and I'm a fully grown woman with a baby and a mortgage.

heyybrighteyes